Happy Hump Day!

Well, its Wednesday again...the weeks seem to be flying by at the moment. I blink and the week is over again I guess because I am pretty busy.
Jack has been at camp and Steve is at a conference...the house is so damned quiet. I certainly know that Jack is my noisy kid. I have missed him a lot. He will always be my baby boy and now I can understand my mum introducing me to her friends as her baby (at 40 years old mind you). I hope he has had a wonderful time. He really is very independent. I must start teaching him how to cook. I have always vowed that my kids would be able to cook by the time they left home (I could barely boil water) and I usually start teaching them at about 10.
Melinda got her report yesterday...it was very good.....Most subjects she got Excellents..but her disorganisation holds her back so thats something we really need to work on.
I have work today...its 8.10am and I'm ready to go. Just waiting for Brent to get organised. Today I move into my own office (have been sitting in the managers office until I was trained...at least now I can have the radio going while I work. I find that I work so much better with music on. Its going to be 18 degrees today, gradually warming up a bit now that Spring is here. I can't wait until its nice and warm again. Soon the vines with have green leaves and the view from my office will be changing yet again. Its so nice to look out the window occasionally and see the valley below and the vines and trees, the dog running around catching rabbits....so much different to looking at the wall or the building next door like I have in previous jobs.
Melinda is staying home sick today.....says she is sick in the stomach. She hasnt missed much school so I guess its ok to have a day off today. (she didnt look sick, but who knows)
We are eating fresh vegetables out of the garden at the moment. Its great. I can feel the goodness in my energy levels. Yesterday it was brocoli, snowpeas, spring onions and bok choy, all out of my garden. I really must work in it over the weekend. I just love really fresh vegetables.
Anyways, time to get ready and go.

Success!

Yesterday I had a run in with our electricity company and won. You see, they had taken two payments this month for our electricity. We usually have a monthly direct debit because our power bills are astronomical. The usual repayment was taken out, and then two days later, another payment much higher was taken out. I pleaded my case, and explained that the company would look like absolute assholes if I took it to the media having 3 autistic kids in the house. I got my way, the second payment should be reversed by the end of the day today!
I'm having a good old declutter at the moment and a spring clean. One room at a time. On the weekend it was the lounge room.....OMG, the amount of crap in here was huge and then I scrubbed the walls and gave the carpet a shampoo. It looks like a new room. Today I am working on my laundry...the accumulator of all gross crap in the house not to mention my fabric stash. I really must make a concerted effort to go through it and toss any pieces that I cant see myself using. There is about 5 boxes of fabric.
I have heaps of work to do too.....with Michelle coming over so often, I really have been slacking off on my casual work. Steve is going away for the rest of the week, so I think I will put a huge week in on it to get it out of my hair......day and night until it is finished..time to get my ducks in a row.
I am gradually becoming a bit better at organising my shit...and maintaining my focus on the job at hand. The house is still a mess, but it didnt get dirty overnight, so its not getting clean overnight either. You can't clean clutter and there certainly is a lot of that right now.....both clutter in the house and clutter in the mind.
Anyway, on with the day!

Feeling a bit drained!

At the moment I feel just very drained.
I have a beautiful friend...desparately in love with her husband who walked out on her. Asshole...but how do you tell her, that he is an abusive creep. He verbally abuses her unmercifully with language that I wouldnt call my worst enemy and worse than I saw with the roughest nastiest men I have ever met. He does this in front of her beautiful children. Never apologises for it afterward and thinks he is God's gift to the human race.....Sorry girl, but he is a piece of crap who I wouldn't have back if you paid me all the fricking tea in china. What sort of example is she setting for her beautiful girl of how a relationship truly should be or how much self esteem she should have or how much respect there should be in a relationship.
This girl is leaving me drained ...just how much support can I give someone who puts up with crap like that...as a mate, I love her dearly, but hell, I am just so tired of it.
Anyway, on with my own dramas.
Brent is being incredibly slack at school and if he isnt careful he is going to fail at least two subjects. I really have to get on his case a lot harder, but hell, I cop shit from him behaviour wise whenever I have to sit on him. His bedroom is incredibly disgusting, even by my standards..
Jack has gone away on his first ever camp today. He was incredibly excited about it. Oh it was so funny, he went off with his huge bag (packed by me) but when he got there, he panicked when he saw the other kids sleeping bags and chased me through the school yard..."Mum, I havent got my doona or pillow".......i had to go back with him and show him that he had his sleeping bag, pillow and favourite blanket all packed away in his bag. He ended up forgetting his raincoat though as he had taken it out of his backpack...not good when it has rained pretty hard for 3 straight days, but hopefully it will be good weather tomorrow.
Mj is being the total nethead like usual. Spends every waking moment on the damn computer. Oh it was so painful when we had no internet on Sunday...it was like the life support machine was off. Good part about that was the kids actually went outside for a change. She is still as disorganised as ever and still doesnt bring any homework home. Oh these lazy kids are a worry.
Stef.....currently we are doing a puberty thing at school. It has me more scared than ever. Her knowledge of personal hygiene is atrocious....I just cant wait for the messy time of the month to start..NOT. It downright scary for me. My girl is growing up, ....scary to think she will have the body of an adult soon, but the mind of a toddler. She has also been refusing to let anyone wipe her bottom which of course rules out school holiday program again. MUM HELP!! Yet again I will have to run to my dear old mum for help so that I can go to work. Not good. Hopefully I will be able to get some extra help from the carer respite centre so that she isnt working too hard.
Oh and we have booked a few days away in Broome for Melbourne Cup weekend. I just hope we can find someone to look after the kids for the 5 days. We both really need the break. 17 years and only 24 hour breaks away in that time. I need a holiday!

I love pre-dawn

I got up early..very early 4am, don't know why, probably because I crashed at 7.30pm. Ive had a nasty kidney infection and have been pumped full of antibiotics. It's going, but I still feel tired.
Anyway.....on with it.
I love that time just before sunrise......the house is dead quiet and its the only time I really feel that I'm on my own. With 4 kids in tow, I often feel as if I get no solitary time, so I take every opportunity that I can get. Its my time to think.....to plan and to work out what is really happening in my life.
My new job is excellent...Love it. I love that its so cut and dried, that my job is very defined and that there are pretty tight procedures involved...very organised. Its just what I need to keep me sane. I realise that I am very ADHD...in the past, my disorganisation in my mind showed up in so many ways...from the messy house, to the taking on too much trying to please everyone, to the moving on from ideas before they came to fruition because I got bored with them, the unfinished projects and the total chaos. Its the stuff in my life that Im trying like hell to change. I have been reading a lot of books to fathom the best ways that I work and its in very short bursts....15 minutes at a time and with lists so that I don't get sidetracked as easily. My plan for the week is to get rid of unfinished business..I need to send the supermarket files to the accountant.....get them out of my life once and for all. I need to start planning fun ways to relax.......get more creative and maybe even get on the sewing machine a bit. I need to exercise....thats one thing that I have been incredibly slack on so I am working out a deal with a friend who owns a gym to work for her in the office for exchange of training. I need the discipline and the accountability. Most of all, I need to fall into a strong routine. I am getting there....much better than the past, but I still need to stick to it especially writing a lot in my diary, and prioritising much more efficiently.
I realise too, that sometimes I put others way before myself. A friend who has marital difficulties, keeps coming around....I don't have the heart to say piss off, I need my time to work, I just let her come around to cry on the shoulder....last week it was a whole day wasted, the week before was two days. She is coming around this morning, but at least I have an appointment at 11am, so I can give her a coffee at 9 and then make my excuses. I really dont have the energy to deal with other people's problems....after all, I have enough of my own to deal with. How do you say to someone, hey, I know you have problems, but I really need to focus on my own life? To me it sounds very self centred, and Im not like that, but really I dont have the time to devote, nor do I need the negativity.
Stef is doing so well......writing her name much more now. OMG, I never dreamt that we would actually get her to do it.....I know its something we have been trying for so long, but she actually really gets it now. Its like opening a door to the huge possibilities.....all along I have said, she can do things, she just doesnt, and now the schools are actually starting to believe me. The special school especially....they have been just babysitters for too long and really didnt see what this girl is capable of (I think they thought I was lying about what she really does at Lara Ps, and at home). I also must spend more time on getting her to use her speech facilitation program.....Its vital to get her to understand that she has control over some of the choices in her life. Hmm, must find her DS in her messy room today!
Brent is doing great....he is very beligerent at times, but thats expected from the caveman years lol......teenagers have their own way of communicating at times......UGH. But proudly, he is incredibly articulate, puts an argument together really well and is doing so well in most subjects at school. I just need to make sure he hands his work in.
Jack is doing ok, much better now that he has longer lasting ritalin. He goes off on his first camp next Monday and will be great. I wasnt aware of this, but apparently the school has been refusing to take special needs kids on camp...they wouldnt dare with my kids. It was my decision not to send Stef on camp no one elses and she did still go, not overnight. (I wasnt sure of security arrangements to stop her wandering off). Jack will have so much fun and will be fine being away from home so I dont see that the school has much choice.
Melinda is doing ok, she is still disorganised big time (takes after me for that), so I will tidy her room up yet again.....find places for everything. She really doesnt do enough homework at home though.
Anyway, on with the day......so much to do.....ALWAYS!

New Job, unfinished business

Today I am going to make a concerted effort to tidy my mind, my home and my life. Events of the last 24 hours has made me feel that unfinished business really affects me and that its time to close some chapters and open some new ones. Today I am feeling incredibly grateful for having had post-natal depression. I know that sounds strange, but it made me confront the monsters from the past by getting treatment. It allowed me to move forward without forever looking behind me for the monsters biting at my ass. I look at my troubled brother who hasnt contacted the family for 6 weeks...and worry that the monsters from his past have finally got him....I pray that he is ok. I think today the family were going to the police to list him as a missing person. He is so far away. I wish I could get to Perth to try to track him down.

On the diet front, I havent been doing so great lately so I have bitten the bullet and trying to arrange a way to get fitness training. It was great on the weekend...so many people commented on how much better and younger I look. I guess losing as much as I have already really has changed my appearance in a big way. I still have 12-15 kg to lose.

Oh and Stef wrote her name for the second time last week...it was really recognisable. My heart did a major dance when I saw it and the tears were stinging my eyes. I am so proud of how far she has come in the last 6 months. Just Awesome! It is something that other parents take for granted, the ability for their child to learn to read and write, but for us, every little thing like this has been major and has taken years of work to achieve.

Steve goes to Thailand this morning until Saturday. No drama...we are used to it. Just hope that Brent doesnt get too big for his boots and doesnt constantly question my authority in the house like he sometimes does when Steve is away.

I am recovering from our wild weekend....hehe...2 nights with so very little sleep. I went to bed (or was that just a chair with the blanket wrapped around me) at 8.30am on Sunday for and hour and a half. It was a great party!

New job..new outlook!

Well, I landed the job which is just awesome. I think I will really like working there. The winery is about 10-15 minutes from home, a leasurely country drive. The winery itself is absolutely serene. I pulled up there and immediatey felt a serenity come over me..peaceful. The view out of my office window is looking up the valley with gum trees and vines...the office itself is very new, very modern and well appointed. A place for everything. The other office workers are all younger than me. Great, I fit into a younger crowd! I am so looking forward to starting work on Wednesday! I really must send thankyou cards to my 3 referees....apparently they gave me glowing references to the point of adoration...I guess its picking the referees that just respect all you do so much.
I feel so much better today than I have felt since about April....the prospect of finding a job that fit my family was daunting....but its the past now. I find to that I am so much better if I have my shower early, straighten my hair and put make up on. Its like a preparation for the day. Yesterday I didnt do that. The kids were late to school and I looked like a train wreck...the teacher asked me if everything was ok...thats how bad I looked. I guess they are so used to seeing me dressed to the nines and fully made up and confident. It makes such a huge difference..the simple act of putting on makeup.
I have a hugely busy day today, mainly because I have procrastinated so much over things. I have to prepare the treasurers report for the Rainbow club, buy presents for the outgoing committee members , do the banking etc etc....the list goes on. My treat to myself after I have finished that is to start on my wall mural. I am going to paint a dawn autumn forest scene on my wall...something dreamy where you feel as if you could lose yourself if you take a few steps in. I hope I can do it justice..I used to be good at drawing trees when I was at school and saw a painting that I adored last week in South Yarra....$20000 was the price tag on it...if I had that sort of money I would have bought it on the spot.
Stef was star of the week at Barwon Valley School this week...for good handwriting. I couldn't believe it, but Stef wrote her name for the first time last week! Steve and I both had tears in our eyes when we saw it...lets just say, the paper has been laminated and will be framed. It was just awesome!
Brent chose his subjects for year 12 yesterday. The teacher thinks he will go great..he is doing humanities...thats his strength. English, Maths, History, Media, International Studies and Legal studies. With a bit of luck and a whole lot of work, he will get As and Bs.....AMAZING for a kid the teachers thought was mentally retarded in grade 4. The legal teacher says he constructs his arguments so well and his oration of cases is way above his peers. In history, they said he has a mind like a sponge, and looks at history with a degree of scepticism of writing biases. He really amazes me. I look at all the hard work we put into that kid and it brings tears to my eyes just how much we have achieved. He is still challenging occasionally behaviourally and will always have some foibles...but nothing that will hold him back from his hopes and dreams.
Got Jack a new script for Ritalin...thank goodness...he really needs it! I couldnt believe that we have to see the paediatritian twice a year just to get the script....what a rip off. We go in there for 5 minutes..ca ching goes the doctors eyes.. $240 thank you very much. Ridiculous!
Had a phonecall from our local politician yesterday...at least he is recognising the difficulties we face at a day to day level now. I think pointing out just what it takes to keep this house running with 4 kids has been adventageous. Putting it in real terms...like how much washing and cleaning and running around I do. He has 4 kids himself, so he knows what it takes with normal kids...and I pointed out how much extra the special needs here takes. At least he has passed on the information to the appropriate pollies and has told me to expect a call from them within the next couple of days.
Anyway, on with the day..time to get the kids ready for school!

Acceptance of myself!

I'm currently reading a book on ADHD.....initially for the purpose of helping Jack, but along the way I have realised just how ADHD I really am. It explains so much about me. Initially I questioned the diagnosis....how can I possibly be ADHD having achieved so much, and yet.....always having unfulfilled potential nags at the back of my mind. OMG>...this book has got into my very soul...I see myself, my lack of motivation at times and the extreme motivation at other times, my inability to organise myself, the unfinished projects and the neverending search for adrenaline all stems back to a simple thing called ADHD. It has been like baring my soul to the world....and has come like a total shock to my system.
This last couple of months has been incredibly difficult....I have been so overwhelmed, so unmotivated and totally adrenaline seeking. After reading this book, I realise it all stems back to a lack of dopamine in my system. I have had no deadlines or relatively few. Dopamine essentially controls the executive function sector of the brain...its what motivates "normal" people to do things in logical order..to seek organisation and to follow through to completion. The way stimulants such as ritalin work is to stimulate the production of dopamine in the system, adrenaline also stimulates dopamine production. Thats why when Im under deadlines, I usually pull my finger out....all of a sudden my dopamine levels are at normal levels. Its also why I have always been an adrenaline seeking missile.
This book has totally opened my eyes into my soul....into my motivations and how I function. It has been so scary, but cathartic.....at least I know why its all been so hard at times...
Anyway, onward with the tools that I need to use to get me through....turns out the Flylady philosophy is just perfect...never beating yourself up, keeping tasks short sweet but regular, rewarding myself for the small steps it takes..not getting overwhelmed with the big picture, but cutting it into smaller chunks.

Yesterday I had a job interview. Will find out today if I get the job. Its small, 12 hours a week doing payroll and hr functions for a popular winery. Hehe...staff discounts apply! I hope I get it as it fits right into the family stuff.