Just keep Swimming!

I feel a bit like Dory from Nemo, constantly telling myself...."Just keep swimming...Just Keep swimming"
Yesterday, I was having a reasonable day, organised myself and set off on my day early. Went to Jenny craig and had lost half a kilo, and then on to a clients. Unfortunately though, someone hit my car from behind. I drive this big old Jackaroo and I love it. Its a big old sherman tank! The car that hit me was a write off. The engine block hit the cab fire wall, and the car was shortened by about 2 feet. My car...nary a scratch and one broken tail light on the bumper bar was visible. Still have to get it checked out though as there could be structural damage. Today I have woken up a bit sore, just generally sore all over and a bit of a headache, not pain in any spot in particular which is good. I went to the doctors after the crash to make sure that there werent any injuries. Anyway, the guy was so apologetic, and really apologised for ruining my day over and over again. My reply was that it would take a lot more than that to ruin my day...its merely an inconvenience. Makes me think though, that I am in a place of total calm at the moment. Not a lot phases me much, not working 3 jobs, not Stef getting into stuff, not steve being away last week and the week before. Nothing. I was thinking how could it be that I am so incredibly calm. I have been working on my mental health as we all should. Plenty of rest, writing a lot to clarify my thoughts, meditation and hypnotherapy. It must be working well!
I battled on after the accident, went to the doctor to get checked out and went to the clients appointment. Got home and went to bed for a couple of hours with some panadol.
I went Mother's day shopping. I am being quite strict on clutter in this place at the moment. No I do not need the cheap photo frame from the schools mother's day stall, or the duster, or the revolting cheap soap. I instead went and bought some make-up (great deals with extra freeby pack), some work pants, scarves and other stuff. The kids can give that to me instead.
I had a think about my own mum. A few months ago, I went to her drawer to get some panadol, and I found a blast from the past. At age 9, I had made her for mothers day, a present. A cheap cake of lavender soap, which I wrapped in tulle with a pretty ribbon, and poked pins with beads on them for legs. You know, she has kept it all this time....35 years...still in perfect condition. I asked her why she had kept it, and she said because it was one of the only presents that any of her kids had MADE for her and so it was very special. She has also kept every piece of jewellery I have made her over the years. She keeps them all as special gifts. I look back and think about the presents that are closest to my heart which I have kept. From Stef, there is a plaster cast plaque of her little hand with gold glitter, made when she was 5. I keep it with all my valuables in the chrystal cabinet. Its priceless to me. From Melinda is a little cat she made and gave to me. From Brent is a little clay pot and from jack a special mum's day card that had only his work on it. Makes me think that next year, instead of just the standard vouchers for our mum's I would like to do something a bit more special. Maybe a cross stitch, a patchwork throw or cushions or something that is just so much more special. I think I will encourage the kids to do the same for me. It just means so much more.
I was just thinking about my mum. I have the best relationship with my mum now. Our relationship over the years has not always been an easy one. My mum was not very demonstrative of her affections and that aloofness has caused problems over the years for me. Our relationship has changed hugely, especially over the last couple of years. I think because I stood beside her while dad was so sick taking some of the burden from her shoulders our relationship has changed. I hugged and allowed her to cry on my shoulders, smoothed their relationship when things got a little tough when dad was going through a depressive stage. It was hard. I knew my dad was dying well before anyone else, even my mum. My dad couldnt lie to me when I asked the questions about his illness. He kept everything to himself, and when he wasnt able to eat proper food, I pressed him on the issue of test results. I knew that they hadnt removed all the cancer and that it was spreading. I had promised him that I would keep it to myself and I did. It made it hard though because dad was getting depressed and was narky with mum, and mum didnt know why...I respected dad's wishes though. He didnt want his last 12 months to be treated as a dying invalid. He wanted to live life to the full, carrying on as if nothing was eating away at him and being treated as if tomorrow wasnt his last. It was a burden that I was prepared to carry for him. I promised him that it wasnt until he was on his last, with no chance of coming out of hospital that the results of tests would be revealed and his terminal status recognised. It was hard to make the phonecalls to my brothers who were all interstate and overseas to come home for dad and that it was terminal. One brother was so incredibly shocked...stupid man, surely he knew that one who does not eat solid food for 6 months is not going to live long. Another brother, knew in his heart like me and was mentally prepared.
Mum and I are now close. She often says that she doesnt know how I do it all, and is always there to support me in everything that I do. She is proud of me which I have never really felt before and I know she tells her friends about all that we face. She has stepped up more than ever. Helping with babysitting and lots of other extra stuff. She always arrives out with biscuits or cake for the kids, does sew for the kids and lots of other things. For the first time in our relationship, there is cuddles, hugs and I love you's said. I know that it doesnt come naturally for her so it means so much more. I am proud of my mum...she is working hard at fixing our relationship as much as I have over the years. For the first time, I actually feel really loved by my mum. She couldnt help being aloof, apparently my grandmother was the same way with her..I ahve made a concerted effort with my kids though to break that chain. I tell them everyday that I love them. I cuddle and kiss (even though Brent hates it so I don't do it as often with him) and the last words I say to them in the mornings as they go off to school is "have a great day, I love you" .
Lots to do today....going to afternoon tea at my brother's for Mother's day, need to prepare everything for the busy week ahead and of course the business stuff I need to do. Its getting there, and I am happy though a little sore.