Hanging out to get rid of the physical withdrawls of smoking. I try not to say giving up smoking because really Im giving up nothing except for a crappy habbit which is making me sick, costs a fortune and is such a negative on my fitness, relationships and health.
The first day sucks....in fact the first week sucks. Its like having this monster that gnaws at your soul. In lots of ways its call is so loud that all you feel is this screaming monster trying to tell you to feed him. I call him the nicodemon. I know that the less I feed him, the smaller he becomes and after a while his call becomes a mere whisper to only be heard in quiet moments ususally during stress.
My most successful quit lasted 4 years...I felt free for the first time since I was 15......I lost that quit while my dad was dying of cancer. The stress was high, the exposure to cigarettes was high, and emotionally I was just holding on. It was such a tough time. I hated that I had the first one, but what I really hated is it then became a crutch again......the nicodemon got strong again.....and I became as weak as shit.
Right now, I feel like a beaten woman who is a bit like Rocky.....training my head to say NO WAY, whatever it takes. With each hour, I feel a strength returning to my muscles slowly but surely.....I am getting stronger and with the strength of my higher power, yeah I will make it...I just have to believe that something stronger than myself will come through and will give me power to get through the next day. One second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time.
I know I have to go back to a 12 step program to beat it. There is strength in numbers and giving service to others will help me in my own struggle. What really sucks about smoking as an addiction is that its perfectly legal, although becoming socially unacceptalbe...people dont take it serious enough as an addiction afterall it kills more people world wide than any illegal drug, it costs more to society and more to governments., more to families and more to addicts.
Anyway...enough focussing on my dreaded cravings.
Today I went to a carer's day. In Victoria alone there are 760,000 people who care for those who are sick or disabled ( I hate that disabled word by the way.......special needs is so much more acceptable) Basically, we get nowhere near enough help. If you are unable to work due to your carer role, you get a pension which is pitiful...even with Stef we only get $50 a week.....hell, she breaks more than that in a week, not to mention the food wastage when she pours it out and shampoo that she has poured on the floor, the broken furniture, the nappies and doctors bills. Also, there is no distiction between a child with minor disability to one who is fully reliant on the carer. We all get the same.
Anyway, Tracy Bartram was the speaker......She was great, very funny. Its great to hear someone who takes the lighter side of things.....with almost a black humor. I can see that in myself. I often laugh instead of cry...try to see the silver lining or the laugh in the shit that happens in our life. I remember one day skipping up and down our carpetted hall in our old house, kicking up the water that flooded the floor and signing at the top of my voice "Im singin in the rain, just singing in the rain".....If anyone had been watching they would have thought Id finally flipped my lid......but no, it was my way of coping with a situation that totally overwhelmed me until I had the ability to look not at the problem but the solution. You know, when I try to remember Brent's early years, all I can remember is the humor.....the rest is just too painful to remember. I really have to concentrate hard to remember anything about those years.
It was great to talk to other carers. Most of them were those nursing the elderly. In some ways they have it easier.....eventually it will end for them and they will get back some form of normality in their live...Normal is something I may never know again...our lives will never be simple...always more complicated than our peers..richer sometimes yes...never simple. In some ways thats what I mourn the most....the simplicity. Most people never take any notice of it until that simplicity is taken away.......Its the safe knowledge that evenutally the children will grow up, grow more independent until they eventually fly the nest. Stef will never fly the nest......always here.......and we just have to adjust. Thats life.
Whats scares me most about the future is the lack of investment in the future of special needs people in Australia. They are building no new residential facilities for these kids, and yet the need will be there. Its a whim of the government of the day to keep our kids safe from harm that will give them a roof over their head...It scares the shits out of me. Hense my goal to have a good passive income gained from tangible property. Eventually it would be good to build a specially adapted house which will provide accommodation for 5-6 young adults, and have the passive income to provide the required 24/7 supervision. Its not impossible..a challenge, yes, but one which will guarantee our girl's future and happiness. We've just gotta believe!
They talked a lot about how to stay sane in all of this.....most people really have no idea, but it turns out I have been doing the things for a long time. Meditation, letting go of resentments, journalling, taking time out to do things you enjoy and not isolating. I do them all daily....I realise now how far I have come on our journey.....I am happy.
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