Stef's Birthday was good, but a little strange. I'm not sure if she really understands the whole bit about birthdays. She shows no interest in presents, or the attention. She does like blowing out her birthday candles though. I usually make such a big thing of birthdays. Lavish cakes, parties with family, parties with friends and pressies of course, stems from a childhood where my birthday was an inconvenience rather than a celebration. It was at the wrong time of year being summer school holidays and close enough to Christmas that I got pressies joined together. I vowed that I would never have a January baby. Stef shares her birthday with 2 special people, Helen her ex intergration aide and Liz who is her current aide at school. It just makes her birthday even more special.....they never forget! I took my mum and the kids out for tea. Stef was so well behaved! She really is very well behaved in public...its one thing that we can be very proud of. A lot of severely autistic kids like Stef would not be able to sit still for a couple of hours with all the sensory stuff going on in a busy restaurant. They came out with a birthday candle in her icecream.....so she still got a cake in a sense. Not sure what we will do yet regarding a family party. No one is around this weekend, so maybe we may do something on Mothers day at tea time and have a joint celebration.
We bought Stef a nintendo ds...she will love it.....eventually when the other kids stop playing and she gets a turn. We will get a program for it that turns it into a speech facilitation machine. It runs along the lines of a Picture Exchange ...we have used it a lot but in the card form where she would hand us the card to make the choices of what she wants....this way at least it will be portable for use at home and school. Amazing how far technology has come for these kids!! My brother also wants to buy her some games that will help her with learning to read and spell...he wants to help her too.
Ok on to my goals.
1. Giving up smoking- LOL, government put up the price today by $3 a pack....Just as well that I am giving up tonight at 12!! Yesterday I wore a patch to my new job so I wouldnt go through withdrawl or feel like a cigarette while I was working. Good move. I can't wait to be free of this addiction. I know that I have done it before, I can do it again....whatever it takes!
2. Getting help for steph- Started by getting that Nintendo for Stef, today will phone DHS to make an appointment. We really need to get her into overnight respite care so that she will be used to residential care later. Apparently they have a ball there as well..I also will ring the care organisation. Apparently there are grants to subsidise childcare so that I can work...whatever we are entitled to we should apply for.
3. Losing weight..hmm now going out for tea dashed that a little, but I was restrained and had a stir fry and only a bit of dessert....and I only had a banana for lunch. Not sure how much I will lose this week if any at all. I really must be very disciplined.
4. Steve has been away, so the relationship bit has been a little difficult this week...but we do keep in touch by sms and phone. Not quite the same as a cuddle though.
5. Doing things for me-I am going to a Carer's day tomorrow. Thats the first time I have booked in for anything like that. I think it will be great to be pampered a bit. Sometimes the last thing on the list is me..and as they say, I have to fill my cup before I fill others..this is a long journey and I need to give myself sustenance along the way.
6. Moving towards owning property...will be putting away my money currently spent on cigarettes into paying off the credit card....We will get there. I have been researching what sort of property in what area. Have been reading up on a site called Property Women...They think moving into owning property in regional areas first where prices are low and vacancy rates are near zero. It means that its likely that it will be positively geared (no extra funds weekly required to cover the interest).
So, there ya go..moving in the right directions......bit by bit with every mouthful the elephant will be eaten!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wow, My life changes again in a heart beat!
Firstly, Happy 12th Birthday to my sweet special girl! I cant believe how much she has grown. A little scary too. Puberty is on the way.
Yesterday, I got a new job. Totally unexpected, but so much a challenge too. Now I need to find a babysitter for the kids for after school, in particular Stef. Its 4 days a week for 4-5 months, and then will go back to a nice 2-3. It will be a challenge working almost full time, but the experience will be good and I feel that it will be a step in the right direction for my career. My first day is TODAY. I will still have to work at the supermarket a bit as the settlement for the new owners is 17th May, I dont think that I could abandon them at this stage with any conscience.....It will be so good to get out of there though.
I'm back to living life with more intention. Making my goals and working on them everyday. For a long time now, I have lived pretty much goaless....and it shows. I have drifted from disaster to disaster, from job to job and from weekend to weekend.
So here goes......My intentions for the next 100 days are:
1. To give up smoking (1st of May is quit date)
2. To lose 10kg (stick to Jenny Craig program and exercise 30 minutes a day)
3. To do well at my new job, giving it the best I can.
4. To access much more help for Stef and our family from every source available
5. To spend quality time with Steve to enrich our relationship
6. To live more consciously
7. To find time to be more creative and enjoy the times that I have for myself
8. To work towards my grand plan of owning properties and create passive income streams so that Steve and I can live the life of our dreams and know our girl will be taken care of financially in the long term.
9. To get our vege garden to give us healthy food.
Big goals, Just need to come up with weekly goals to achieve them. As with everything, gotta cut the elephant into small enough pieces to chew on them and consume the whole elephant....bit by bit. Stay tuned....
Yesterday, I got a new job. Totally unexpected, but so much a challenge too. Now I need to find a babysitter for the kids for after school, in particular Stef. Its 4 days a week for 4-5 months, and then will go back to a nice 2-3. It will be a challenge working almost full time, but the experience will be good and I feel that it will be a step in the right direction for my career. My first day is TODAY. I will still have to work at the supermarket a bit as the settlement for the new owners is 17th May, I dont think that I could abandon them at this stage with any conscience.....It will be so good to get out of there though.
I'm back to living life with more intention. Making my goals and working on them everyday. For a long time now, I have lived pretty much goaless....and it shows. I have drifted from disaster to disaster, from job to job and from weekend to weekend.
So here goes......My intentions for the next 100 days are:
1. To give up smoking (1st of May is quit date)
2. To lose 10kg (stick to Jenny Craig program and exercise 30 minutes a day)
3. To do well at my new job, giving it the best I can.
4. To access much more help for Stef and our family from every source available
5. To spend quality time with Steve to enrich our relationship
6. To live more consciously
7. To find time to be more creative and enjoy the times that I have for myself
8. To work towards my grand plan of owning properties and create passive income streams so that Steve and I can live the life of our dreams and know our girl will be taken care of financially in the long term.
9. To get our vege garden to give us healthy food.
Big goals, Just need to come up with weekly goals to achieve them. As with everything, gotta cut the elephant into small enough pieces to chew on them and consume the whole elephant....bit by bit. Stay tuned....
Monday, April 26, 2010
Eww, but my girl will feel so much better
Nothing like the pervasive horrible smell of Stef's poo.. its absolutely disgusting. Poor kid doesn't go to the toilet very often, once in about 10-14 days and then we have to give her laxatives to get her to go. It cannot feel very comfortable for the poor little darling.
Last night I gave her the huge dose of laxatives that it takes to empty her out....this morning I am paying the price.....poo everywhere, sheets, doona, pillow, bedroom wall, not to mention all over her. I put her in the bath to clean her up, and you guessed it, she went again. GROSS!
The upside is though, she will be a happier child, her clothes will fit her again (her stomach gets really distended) and she will feel so much more comfortable. Washing machine here I come!
On another upside, its a day off work.......public holiday for Anzac Day. I will catch up on work and housework today. Oh and I slept in again until 9am. That is quite a miracle in itself as I have had a routine of getting up at 4am for months. Hopefully I can get it back to a more respectable 5am.
Just trying to work out what active thing I am going to do today. I have decided to try to do something active every day.....a walk, a play on wii fit, a ride on the bike....anything, but I need to do something each day!
Last night I gave her the huge dose of laxatives that it takes to empty her out....this morning I am paying the price.....poo everywhere, sheets, doona, pillow, bedroom wall, not to mention all over her. I put her in the bath to clean her up, and you guessed it, she went again. GROSS!
The upside is though, she will be a happier child, her clothes will fit her again (her stomach gets really distended) and she will feel so much more comfortable. Washing machine here I come!
On another upside, its a day off work.......public holiday for Anzac Day. I will catch up on work and housework today. Oh and I slept in again until 9am. That is quite a miracle in itself as I have had a routine of getting up at 4am for months. Hopefully I can get it back to a more respectable 5am.
Just trying to work out what active thing I am going to do today. I have decided to try to do something active every day.....a walk, a play on wii fit, a ride on the bike....anything, but I need to do something each day!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Proud of small achievements
One thing I realise is how we celebrate the small achievements along the way.
Today Stef rode on her bike all the way to the shop. It may not be major to anyone else but for her its just plain AWESOME! The first step is that she left her helmet on...she learnt what the brakes were for,....and steered all the way for herself. I am just so proud of how far she has come in the short time she has been riding. And this was her first really long ride.
Im also a little proud of myself. I am now wearing size 12 jeans.....down from a 18 and I managed to jog all the way with Stef riding....now I couldnt possibly have done that 5 months ago.....Thankyou Jenny Craig. I now have so much more energy!!
Today Stef rode on her bike all the way to the shop. It may not be major to anyone else but for her its just plain AWESOME! The first step is that she left her helmet on...she learnt what the brakes were for,....and steered all the way for herself. I am just so proud of how far she has come in the short time she has been riding. And this was her first really long ride.
Im also a little proud of myself. I am now wearing size 12 jeans.....down from a 18 and I managed to jog all the way with Stef riding....now I couldnt possibly have done that 5 months ago.....Thankyou Jenny Craig. I now have so much more energy!!
Lazy Lazy Sunday!
Today is Anzac Day.
I guess we all have our own histories and stories to tell about Anzac Day. My paternal grandfather was at Anzac Cove as a baby faced youngster of 16. His is an amazing story. His mother passed away at 29 with Myocardia. My grandfather not long after this was placed in permanent state care by his father. His father just walked away from his 5 beautiful young boys at an orphanage in Melbourne. No one ever heard from him again. I have tried to trace where he went after this, but no record has been uncovered of his death anywhere in Australia. My great grandmother was buried in a paupers grave in a Melbourne cemetry. What would bring any man to abandon his children, but then he had a very sick wife for a long time, and probably found it difficult to work...who knows what he did, but I suspect that he suicided after her death.
My grandfather and his brothers were taken in by a family in the western districts close to the Grampians. They were treated very well by their adoptive family. At the age of 16, he enlisted in the 5th Lighthorse Brigade from Adelaide. He went to SA because they accepted his application as a ward, without permission from his legal guardian. He also took his own horse from the farm.
He was sent to Egypt first, and he is in the famous photo where the troops were on the pyramid. Then he went on to Turkey leaving behind his beloved horse in egypt which made him very sad. His Brigade landed at Galipoli Cove in one of the first waves. They settled into fighting Johnny Turk, but living in squalid conditions took its toll he got very sick with Cholera..and was sent to the hospital ship in the cove to recooperate. While he was on that ship, his brigade was sent over the trenches in an assault, and 60% of them were killed. After withdrawl from Galipoli, he served in France.
He came back a very sick man having been mustard gassed in France.
My grandfather was granted a parcel of land in Joel Joel near Stawell where he had 5 children. He passed away at age 69 from a heart attack.
I took great pleasure to find out about his time served from the War Memorial in Canberra.
We don't march, or attend Anzac service, but I always think about our history and commemorate it in our own way.
Today I have had such a lazy day. A day to really recharge the batteries a bit. I slept until 12, and although I have done some washing,k I really havent done a lot else yet. I will do some accounting work for rainbow club today and maybe get out into the vegie patch for a while.
Brent just got up and demanded everything his own way like usual. His arrogance really cheeses me off sometimes. He won't listen and has this totally annoying habbit of calling you totally disrepectful names when he runs out of argument. Melinda pipes into these too which really cheeses me off when she isnt involved and has nothing to gain.
Maybe too, I dont have the patience with them either. I'm tired!
I guess we all have our own histories and stories to tell about Anzac Day. My paternal grandfather was at Anzac Cove as a baby faced youngster of 16. His is an amazing story. His mother passed away at 29 with Myocardia. My grandfather not long after this was placed in permanent state care by his father. His father just walked away from his 5 beautiful young boys at an orphanage in Melbourne. No one ever heard from him again. I have tried to trace where he went after this, but no record has been uncovered of his death anywhere in Australia. My great grandmother was buried in a paupers grave in a Melbourne cemetry. What would bring any man to abandon his children, but then he had a very sick wife for a long time, and probably found it difficult to work...who knows what he did, but I suspect that he suicided after her death.
My grandfather and his brothers were taken in by a family in the western districts close to the Grampians. They were treated very well by their adoptive family. At the age of 16, he enlisted in the 5th Lighthorse Brigade from Adelaide. He went to SA because they accepted his application as a ward, without permission from his legal guardian. He also took his own horse from the farm.
He was sent to Egypt first, and he is in the famous photo where the troops were on the pyramid. Then he went on to Turkey leaving behind his beloved horse in egypt which made him very sad. His Brigade landed at Galipoli Cove in one of the first waves. They settled into fighting Johnny Turk, but living in squalid conditions took its toll he got very sick with Cholera..and was sent to the hospital ship in the cove to recooperate. While he was on that ship, his brigade was sent over the trenches in an assault, and 60% of them were killed. After withdrawl from Galipoli, he served in France.
He came back a very sick man having been mustard gassed in France.
My grandfather was granted a parcel of land in Joel Joel near Stawell where he had 5 children. He passed away at age 69 from a heart attack.
I took great pleasure to find out about his time served from the War Memorial in Canberra.
We don't march, or attend Anzac service, but I always think about our history and commemorate it in our own way.
Today I have had such a lazy day. A day to really recharge the batteries a bit. I slept until 12, and although I have done some washing,k I really havent done a lot else yet. I will do some accounting work for rainbow club today and maybe get out into the vegie patch for a while.
Brent just got up and demanded everything his own way like usual. His arrogance really cheeses me off sometimes. He won't listen and has this totally annoying habbit of calling you totally disrepectful names when he runs out of argument. Melinda pipes into these too which really cheeses me off when she isnt involved and has nothing to gain.
Maybe too, I dont have the patience with them either. I'm tired!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Seasons change and time moves on
Yesterday Helen finished working as Stef's integration aide at school. Im pretty sad about that, but time moves, things change and I truly understand that she needs to do the best thing for her and as a friend, I encourage that. Helen has worked with stef for 6 1/2 years, from the start of primary school. She really has smoothed Stef's way. Helen is such a loving caring and giving person and always saw her work with our girl as a calling rather than just a job. We will always hold a very special place in our hearts for her. Being non-verbal in a mainstream school could have been quite difficult...not for Stef though. With Helen's help, Stef has been integrated with the other kids so well. They just love her. I think Helen was just so instrumental in that. Every child that she came in contact with felt as if they were loved and the whole class and school benefited by having her there. She really showed the kids, love and compassion and acceptance of other people. We will miss her so much. Helen is also a friend to me....probably knowing more about what makes me tick than most other people. We have shared are pasts, our present and our futures. The words to thank her for all she has done just never would seem enough. Fortunately as a friend, she will stay in our lives, but that contact every single week just wont be there and I will miss that.
I can't help but feel so grateful for the very special people that have been sent into our lives to help us on our journey. Some pass through fleetingly, others are there for a while and some are truly there for the long haul. I cant help but think that without autism in our lives, we would never have truly appreciated the special people that come into our lives.
Today is busy, lots of housework, some bookwork to do, a visit to Jenny Craig and Rainbow Club.
I hope I have lost more weight this week. Hanging out to get to my goal weight! My energy levels have increased so much....20 kg extra weight slowing me down really took a lot out of me. 16 kg left to lose!! People are really starting to notice. I am blessed by good genetics...I have underneath all the flab, a good figure. At 60 kg when I met steve, My chest measurement was 36 inches and bum measurement was the same and my waist was 26. I had the same measurements as Marilyn Monroe......thats so funny!!! She was the epitome of sexy in the 60's, very curvy. She was an Australian size 14. Even at 80kg, people are commenting on how good I look (haha, even getting asked out by guys) Im just wondering how much better I will be at 65kg.
I can feel that winter is on the way. This has been such a long Indian Summer.....March April is generally so much colder than this. Here we are still getting around in Summer clothes....Move over Queensland, Melbourne has better weather! I feel great at this time of year....so much energy. In winter I lose a bit of that. I might go to the doctor to get some vitamin D this year. The lack of sunshine really has a lot of impact on mental health. I have always been aware of my mental health. Having been bitten by the black dog (depression) along our travels, I need to be aware when I am on a downward and do the best I can to pull back up. I usually use meditation and doing things that makes me happy to refill my cup. Mmm maybe a good weekend away, or a couple of massages.....just stuff that pampers me helps so much.
Anyway, on to this housework. I so want my house to look neat and tidy like other people seem to manage...life always seems to in the way of that along with the Human Destructor! Always so much to do and never enough time to do it. I have a 5 day weekend, no work until Wednesday, so heres my chance!!
I can't help but feel so grateful for the very special people that have been sent into our lives to help us on our journey. Some pass through fleetingly, others are there for a while and some are truly there for the long haul. I cant help but think that without autism in our lives, we would never have truly appreciated the special people that come into our lives.
Today is busy, lots of housework, some bookwork to do, a visit to Jenny Craig and Rainbow Club.
I hope I have lost more weight this week. Hanging out to get to my goal weight! My energy levels have increased so much....20 kg extra weight slowing me down really took a lot out of me. 16 kg left to lose!! People are really starting to notice. I am blessed by good genetics...I have underneath all the flab, a good figure. At 60 kg when I met steve, My chest measurement was 36 inches and bum measurement was the same and my waist was 26. I had the same measurements as Marilyn Monroe......thats so funny!!! She was the epitome of sexy in the 60's, very curvy. She was an Australian size 14. Even at 80kg, people are commenting on how good I look (haha, even getting asked out by guys) Im just wondering how much better I will be at 65kg.
I can feel that winter is on the way. This has been such a long Indian Summer.....March April is generally so much colder than this. Here we are still getting around in Summer clothes....Move over Queensland, Melbourne has better weather! I feel great at this time of year....so much energy. In winter I lose a bit of that. I might go to the doctor to get some vitamin D this year. The lack of sunshine really has a lot of impact on mental health. I have always been aware of my mental health. Having been bitten by the black dog (depression) along our travels, I need to be aware when I am on a downward and do the best I can to pull back up. I usually use meditation and doing things that makes me happy to refill my cup. Mmm maybe a good weekend away, or a couple of massages.....just stuff that pampers me helps so much.
Anyway, on to this housework. I so want my house to look neat and tidy like other people seem to manage...life always seems to in the way of that along with the Human Destructor! Always so much to do and never enough time to do it. I have a 5 day weekend, no work until Wednesday, so heres my chance!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I chose this and so I have to love this!
I remember sitting in a Psychologists office..reworking old hurts putting it all in perspective. I remember distinctly one day, he said, that the day I picked up the phone instead of doing the ultimate deed I chose to live and not throw it all away. Not many people get that choice. They usually live life, just plodding along living from day to day without really thinking about it.
I CHOSE TO LIVE!
Every morning, I wake up, and choose to live. I choose to live life to the full. To appreciate every moment of happiness, to appreciate all the lessons along the way, to appreciate the material and the immaterial, good stuff and bad.
Life certainly has dealt me a pack of cards...a lot of dud ones, but some oh so good ones. Its a bit like playing poker. 2 2s can still win the hand if you can bluff your way through. No matter what hand is dealt, its not what cards you get, but how you play the game. There will always be someone with a better hand...but regardless, to win the game they have to play the game to the full to win. Some people really don't appreciate the hand they get. They see the three aces, but fear the flush or straight. My aim in life is always to play the hand I get to the full without fear...so what if someone gets a better hand, it doesnt mean I cant still win the game you know. I am never jealous of others hands....it doesnt mean that they will always win the game.
Today I am a little contemplative.....its 10 years today since my girl got her diagnosis. Ten years of tears, of fears, of hopes dashed and dreams unfulfilled. Ten years of hard work, ten years of hope, ten years of acceptance. What will be will be with her. It hasnt been for lack of trying her lack of progress. She has progressed a little and each achievement has been major, but it breaks my heart just the same. I see the beautiful little person inside. The loving, happy, beautiful woman inside just waiting patiently to one day be released from the hell that autism really is. Oh, I hope one day that she gets some communication....either typing or speech it really doesnt matter.....just some way to bring out that beautiful mind that I get glimpses of.
I CHOSE TO LIVE!
Every morning, I wake up, and choose to live. I choose to live life to the full. To appreciate every moment of happiness, to appreciate all the lessons along the way, to appreciate the material and the immaterial, good stuff and bad.
Life certainly has dealt me a pack of cards...a lot of dud ones, but some oh so good ones. Its a bit like playing poker. 2 2s can still win the hand if you can bluff your way through. No matter what hand is dealt, its not what cards you get, but how you play the game. There will always be someone with a better hand...but regardless, to win the game they have to play the game to the full to win. Some people really don't appreciate the hand they get. They see the three aces, but fear the flush or straight. My aim in life is always to play the hand I get to the full without fear...so what if someone gets a better hand, it doesnt mean I cant still win the game you know. I am never jealous of others hands....it doesnt mean that they will always win the game.
Today I am a little contemplative.....its 10 years today since my girl got her diagnosis. Ten years of tears, of fears, of hopes dashed and dreams unfulfilled. Ten years of hard work, ten years of hope, ten years of acceptance. What will be will be with her. It hasnt been for lack of trying her lack of progress. She has progressed a little and each achievement has been major, but it breaks my heart just the same. I see the beautiful little person inside. The loving, happy, beautiful woman inside just waiting patiently to one day be released from the hell that autism really is. Oh, I hope one day that she gets some communication....either typing or speech it really doesnt matter.....just some way to bring out that beautiful mind that I get glimpses of.
What would life be like if it went to MY grand plan??
My life has never gone to my Grand plan. Every time I adjusted my plan for happenings in my life and got myself on a new road, yet another bump in the road would happen.
It started after failing HSC by one mark.....thats right, I failed English by one bloody mark. I could have given up then, but I didnt. I went back to nightschool, picked up extra subjects and then started on getting into the career I really wanted by the backdoor. Science was everything for me in those days. Little did I know at that stage just how mundane it really was. For every breakthrough in science, there are thousand and thousands of man hours put in doing the same tests over and over again. I participated in lots of great projects and saw some major achievements for science which stemmed from my original work. Originally I worked in wool technology, developing finishes and pressing of the fabric so that it behaved in a manner better suited for suiting and tailoring. Hardly exciting stuff, but I saw our work come to fruition when the Olympic team wore our fabric. It is now also a standard practice in superfine wools, you know the really really expensive stuff. Next I moved into health. I used to be on a team screening pregnant women for diabetes. Diabetes can cause major problems to babies and the mortality rates of these babies used to be quite high. With my testing work, it was discovered that all women were at risk for gestational diabetes, but in particular those of the middle eastern and asian origin and aboriginal decent. Now it is routine to test all women at 30 to 34 weeks and it has saved many lives. Next I moved into pure research. I asssisted PHD students with their projects. I worked on some of the original DNA sequencing of HPV. In those days we were still developing the techniques for Gene testing, it really was very cutting edge. This research was later used by a different team to develop the Guardisil Vaccine...again something that will save many women from cervical cancer. I look at that work with a lot of pride knowing how many it will save. I worked on ecoli too..research leading to vaccines for gastro. I loved science, but it really got quite boring at times, tests done over and over again hundreds of times. I used to have a winged pig hanging over my desk......PIGS MIGHT FLY ONE DAY...put there by my boss to keep me thinking that miracles really do happen and that I just had to believe.
I thought and was told due to scar tissue and endometriosis that it would be a miracle if I ever fell pregnant. So, I planned my life around that and went back to uni to do my accounting degree while still working as a scientist in animal health. Grand plans assunder again....LOL...I fell pregnant in my last semester. I failed one subject though due to morning sickness, so had to go back with babe in arms to finish it. The lecturer still remembers his youngest ever student.
I worked for a little while, trying to juggle toddler and a 50 hour work week and commuting an hour or more to work and marriage was just so difficult. I ended up giving up work to be a stay at home mum. This was when the black dog really hit. He bit me on the ass so hard I lost myself. Post natal depression is a devastating illness, a total black hole where there just didnt seem even a glimmer of light. I remember the contemplations of suicide , the thinking about how I was going to do it every waking moment and the incessant crying over my beautiful little boy. I bought a piece of hose, 3 rolls of duct tape and I left them close to the carpark in the YouYangs....I was ready to go. I got Steves Mum and Dad to babysit Bman, and I headed to the carpark. When I got there though, some kids had found the bag, the police were there...I sat in the carpark and just cried my heart out. I rang the doctor and much to his credit, he dropped all tools and came to me. For that I will be eternally grateful. He referred me to a great Psychologist who really put my life back on track and gave me the support I really needed. Thanks Marcus and Michael!!
Even at a young age, I knew Bman was different...he wasnt the same as any baby in our Mums group... but as he got older, the symptoms became more and more prevalent. He was totally OCD...he would constantly line his toys up rather than playing with them, had a total obsession with his body secretions and would ride his trike through the poo and through the house...it drove me nuts, and the constant meltdowns, anxiety and bolting and lack of meaningful speech. I was constantly told by family that he was normal, but hell I knew that it wasnt. It took a long time after diagnosis before family accepted it. My beautiful boy was autistic, and thank goodness I never listened to the original psych we saw....he said "don't have much hope, he won't ever be able to live a normal life and will go to special school" Fuck you pal!! I had other ideas.
By this stage I was pregnant with Melinda. I really made it my life work to help Bman as much as I could. It was constant. We used the Sonrise program before it was a program. A family in America had used a constant learning technique with their son, where every thing you did was a learning and exposure therapy for the child. Many many hours of showing him how to do things, helping him overcome the overwhelming anxieties by exposing him to it all at short but increasing doses. We were making progress, and then he started talking properly. He didnt develop functional language until about 6, but he was getting there.
Melinda was just such a beautiful baby......all smiles and this really engaging manner. She was just amazing and suprisingly, i had no postnatal depression with her, maybe because I had no unfinished business by that stage. I am a big believer that Post natal depressions is a symptom of underlying unfinished business. She developed so well, and hit all her milestones at the right times. At 9 months old, I fell pregnant again.
Steph was born. She was a great baby, very happy and engaging...she had great eye contact and would laugh like a hyena. She was just beautiful. I was thinking how lucky I was that the autism wasnt there with her. Then at 16 months, she changed......and how she changed. Over a 2 month period, she totally regressed...lost all emerging speech and started flapping and screaming. OMG, it had happened! My beautiful little girl became what I had totally feared. (Im crying as I write this). I was already pregnant with Jack by now. Steph got the diagnosis of severe autism for her 2nd birthday present and I got a new baby. I was devastated! I spent hours in a church, just wondering how the fuck I was ever going to cope with two autistic children (brent was pretty bad at this stage too). The minister sat with me for hours, just holding my hand and telling me that the strength was in me to keep going and that we were never sent burdens that He didnt think we would cope with. It was the hardest 24 hours I have ever had in my life.
I think I walked out of the church at 8.50, just as people were filtering in for the 9am service. The minister had sat with me for 6 hours. I remember him giving me a huge hug with 3 of the elders and sending me on the way with the words, "God knows you are strong" "You can do this" And you know.......I CAN!!!
It started after failing HSC by one mark.....thats right, I failed English by one bloody mark. I could have given up then, but I didnt. I went back to nightschool, picked up extra subjects and then started on getting into the career I really wanted by the backdoor. Science was everything for me in those days. Little did I know at that stage just how mundane it really was. For every breakthrough in science, there are thousand and thousands of man hours put in doing the same tests over and over again. I participated in lots of great projects and saw some major achievements for science which stemmed from my original work. Originally I worked in wool technology, developing finishes and pressing of the fabric so that it behaved in a manner better suited for suiting and tailoring. Hardly exciting stuff, but I saw our work come to fruition when the Olympic team wore our fabric. It is now also a standard practice in superfine wools, you know the really really expensive stuff. Next I moved into health. I used to be on a team screening pregnant women for diabetes. Diabetes can cause major problems to babies and the mortality rates of these babies used to be quite high. With my testing work, it was discovered that all women were at risk for gestational diabetes, but in particular those of the middle eastern and asian origin and aboriginal decent. Now it is routine to test all women at 30 to 34 weeks and it has saved many lives. Next I moved into pure research. I asssisted PHD students with their projects. I worked on some of the original DNA sequencing of HPV. In those days we were still developing the techniques for Gene testing, it really was very cutting edge. This research was later used by a different team to develop the Guardisil Vaccine...again something that will save many women from cervical cancer. I look at that work with a lot of pride knowing how many it will save. I worked on ecoli too..research leading to vaccines for gastro. I loved science, but it really got quite boring at times, tests done over and over again hundreds of times. I used to have a winged pig hanging over my desk......PIGS MIGHT FLY ONE DAY...put there by my boss to keep me thinking that miracles really do happen and that I just had to believe.
I thought and was told due to scar tissue and endometriosis that it would be a miracle if I ever fell pregnant. So, I planned my life around that and went back to uni to do my accounting degree while still working as a scientist in animal health. Grand plans assunder again....LOL...I fell pregnant in my last semester. I failed one subject though due to morning sickness, so had to go back with babe in arms to finish it. The lecturer still remembers his youngest ever student.
I worked for a little while, trying to juggle toddler and a 50 hour work week and commuting an hour or more to work and marriage was just so difficult. I ended up giving up work to be a stay at home mum. This was when the black dog really hit. He bit me on the ass so hard I lost myself. Post natal depression is a devastating illness, a total black hole where there just didnt seem even a glimmer of light. I remember the contemplations of suicide , the thinking about how I was going to do it every waking moment and the incessant crying over my beautiful little boy. I bought a piece of hose, 3 rolls of duct tape and I left them close to the carpark in the YouYangs....I was ready to go. I got Steves Mum and Dad to babysit Bman, and I headed to the carpark. When I got there though, some kids had found the bag, the police were there...I sat in the carpark and just cried my heart out. I rang the doctor and much to his credit, he dropped all tools and came to me. For that I will be eternally grateful. He referred me to a great Psychologist who really put my life back on track and gave me the support I really needed. Thanks Marcus and Michael!!
Even at a young age, I knew Bman was different...he wasnt the same as any baby in our Mums group... but as he got older, the symptoms became more and more prevalent. He was totally OCD...he would constantly line his toys up rather than playing with them, had a total obsession with his body secretions and would ride his trike through the poo and through the house...it drove me nuts, and the constant meltdowns, anxiety and bolting and lack of meaningful speech. I was constantly told by family that he was normal, but hell I knew that it wasnt. It took a long time after diagnosis before family accepted it. My beautiful boy was autistic, and thank goodness I never listened to the original psych we saw....he said "don't have much hope, he won't ever be able to live a normal life and will go to special school" Fuck you pal!! I had other ideas.
By this stage I was pregnant with Melinda. I really made it my life work to help Bman as much as I could. It was constant. We used the Sonrise program before it was a program. A family in America had used a constant learning technique with their son, where every thing you did was a learning and exposure therapy for the child. Many many hours of showing him how to do things, helping him overcome the overwhelming anxieties by exposing him to it all at short but increasing doses. We were making progress, and then he started talking properly. He didnt develop functional language until about 6, but he was getting there.
Melinda was just such a beautiful baby......all smiles and this really engaging manner. She was just amazing and suprisingly, i had no postnatal depression with her, maybe because I had no unfinished business by that stage. I am a big believer that Post natal depressions is a symptom of underlying unfinished business. She developed so well, and hit all her milestones at the right times. At 9 months old, I fell pregnant again.
Steph was born. She was a great baby, very happy and engaging...she had great eye contact and would laugh like a hyena. She was just beautiful. I was thinking how lucky I was that the autism wasnt there with her. Then at 16 months, she changed......and how she changed. Over a 2 month period, she totally regressed...lost all emerging speech and started flapping and screaming. OMG, it had happened! My beautiful little girl became what I had totally feared. (Im crying as I write this). I was already pregnant with Jack by now. Steph got the diagnosis of severe autism for her 2nd birthday present and I got a new baby. I was devastated! I spent hours in a church, just wondering how the fuck I was ever going to cope with two autistic children (brent was pretty bad at this stage too). The minister sat with me for hours, just holding my hand and telling me that the strength was in me to keep going and that we were never sent burdens that He didnt think we would cope with. It was the hardest 24 hours I have ever had in my life.
I think I walked out of the church at 8.50, just as people were filtering in for the 9am service. The minister had sat with me for 6 hours. I remember him giving me a huge hug with 3 of the elders and sending me on the way with the words, "God knows you are strong" "You can do this" And you know.......I CAN!!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
My house is in total debris lol
I have so much bookwork to do, but the house is a total shambles. HMMM< looks like I need to have 8 arms again.
Sometimes it all just gets a bit hard to keep up and Stef the human destroyer doesnt help much. Oh well, work hard, play harder on the weekend. At least this one is a long one and we already have care for the kids booked on Saturday night.
I had Jack totally absorbed in my tales of my pa's time served in Gallipoli. He was just 16 when he went as he was a ward of the state. When it was time for the 5th Lighthorse brigade from Adelaide to go over the trenches...he was happily very sick with Cholera on the hospital ship in the bay. That day, 60% of his brigade was killed. Sometimes you know you just have to look at the big picture. Yes he was very sick but he was alive. I take that view too.....its hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes or its hard to drain the lake when you are up to your ass in aligators. Sometimes its good just to take a step back, have a damn good look at the big picture before you step back in to the crap. Its when I do this I realise that although I have more challenges to overcome, I essentially lead a pretty damn happy life. I have a great relationship, opportunities to do whatever takes my fancy as a job, have beautiful and funny kids who really have not got into trouble like their peers seem to, a nice home, great friends and so much love. Really what more is there to life!
Another thing I realise is how much autism has changed me as a person. Where I was once very shy, Im now outgoing because I have had to be to get what I need for my kids. Where once I was quite irresponsible I now am not. Not to mention the amazing strength that you get when things don't go your way. You know, sometimes I really wouldnt have it any way......only when Stef hasnt totally destroyed the furniture lol and the boys arent fighting over the computer!!
Sometimes it all just gets a bit hard to keep up and Stef the human destroyer doesnt help much. Oh well, work hard, play harder on the weekend. At least this one is a long one and we already have care for the kids booked on Saturday night.
I had Jack totally absorbed in my tales of my pa's time served in Gallipoli. He was just 16 when he went as he was a ward of the state. When it was time for the 5th Lighthorse brigade from Adelaide to go over the trenches...he was happily very sick with Cholera on the hospital ship in the bay. That day, 60% of his brigade was killed. Sometimes you know you just have to look at the big picture. Yes he was very sick but he was alive. I take that view too.....its hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes or its hard to drain the lake when you are up to your ass in aligators. Sometimes its good just to take a step back, have a damn good look at the big picture before you step back in to the crap. Its when I do this I realise that although I have more challenges to overcome, I essentially lead a pretty damn happy life. I have a great relationship, opportunities to do whatever takes my fancy as a job, have beautiful and funny kids who really have not got into trouble like their peers seem to, a nice home, great friends and so much love. Really what more is there to life!
Another thing I realise is how much autism has changed me as a person. Where I was once very shy, Im now outgoing because I have had to be to get what I need for my kids. Where once I was quite irresponsible I now am not. Not to mention the amazing strength that you get when things don't go your way. You know, sometimes I really wouldnt have it any way......only when Stef hasnt totally destroyed the furniture lol and the boys arent fighting over the computer!!
Busy crazy days and beautiful Stef
My days at the moment are so busy. I get up at 4am, work for a couple of hours and then start getting the kids up. Do a liittle housework and then to work. I get home, do the homework stuff with the kids and cook tea and clean up a little and then bed. I barely have time to do anything else.
It will be good to change jobs. Hopefully to get back to working 2 days a week will relieve the pressure a bit.
Stef was beautiful last night. She wanted to go to bed at 7.30, came to me in the loungeroom and grabbed my hand and said "Make bed"....Oh to get the extra help she needs to get this communication stuff happening. She isnt stupid and knows what she needs its just a matter of getting her to get the words out. She certainly thinks in sentences as she has proved that to us before. I really don't know what to do next. There are no speech therapists in Geelong available to give her intensive help even if we pay for it ourselves and the school really hasnt done much.
I just need to find out where I can get this help for her. Also looking at alternative therapies for her. Stem cell therapy maybe, but it will cost us a fortune, $100 000 plus. I must sit down and write a list of specialists that we can be referred to today.
I am also just putting together a couple of job applications. Both for Gateways Support Service a couple of days a week. I could do either of them. One is promotions/fundraising officer, the other is as finance officer. I just cant wait til I get the whole job thing settled.
Oh and Steve is away which always makes it a little unsettling. I miss the emotional support so much when he is not here.
Should be a quiet house tonight. Steve is away, Melinda is going on camp today and Brent is busily trying to catch up on school work. That leaves a non-verbal Stef and a Jack who is happily on the computer all the time.
It will be good to change jobs. Hopefully to get back to working 2 days a week will relieve the pressure a bit.
Stef was beautiful last night. She wanted to go to bed at 7.30, came to me in the loungeroom and grabbed my hand and said "Make bed"....Oh to get the extra help she needs to get this communication stuff happening. She isnt stupid and knows what she needs its just a matter of getting her to get the words out. She certainly thinks in sentences as she has proved that to us before. I really don't know what to do next. There are no speech therapists in Geelong available to give her intensive help even if we pay for it ourselves and the school really hasnt done much.
I just need to find out where I can get this help for her. Also looking at alternative therapies for her. Stem cell therapy maybe, but it will cost us a fortune, $100 000 plus. I must sit down and write a list of specialists that we can be referred to today.
I am also just putting together a couple of job applications. Both for Gateways Support Service a couple of days a week. I could do either of them. One is promotions/fundraising officer, the other is as finance officer. I just cant wait til I get the whole job thing settled.
Oh and Steve is away which always makes it a little unsettling. I miss the emotional support so much when he is not here.
Should be a quiet house tonight. Steve is away, Melinda is going on camp today and Brent is busily trying to catch up on school work. That leaves a non-verbal Stef and a Jack who is happily on the computer all the time.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Disappointment, but onward and upward
Well, I missed out on getting the job I really wanted. It kindof sucks as I really wanted it. Oh well, plenty of other jobs out there for me I am sure. It wasnt meant to be.
Had a good day otherwise. Did very little work, did a bit of shopping and went to Jenny Craig......lost another 1.5 kg since last time. It is gradually coming off, just need to find time to do more exercise!!
I took Stef to the doctors yesterday to try to get referrals to specialists. Geelong specialists have basically taken our money with very little action taken. It sucks. She hasnt even had the majority of diagnostic tests. sometimes it sucks to be in a regional area.......really!
We also need a specialist school here. The special school really have been quite lax in the use of alternative language and speech facilitation. Frustrating that we have been busting our guts to help her, but the place she spends her majority of waking hours do virtually none. It just doesnt seem fair.
Time to start fighting some battles to make it better!
Had a good day otherwise. Did very little work, did a bit of shopping and went to Jenny Craig......lost another 1.5 kg since last time. It is gradually coming off, just need to find time to do more exercise!!
I took Stef to the doctors yesterday to try to get referrals to specialists. Geelong specialists have basically taken our money with very little action taken. It sucks. She hasnt even had the majority of diagnostic tests. sometimes it sucks to be in a regional area.......really!
We also need a specialist school here. The special school really have been quite lax in the use of alternative language and speech facilitation. Frustrating that we have been busting our guts to help her, but the place she spends her majority of waking hours do virtually none. It just doesnt seem fair.
Time to start fighting some battles to make it better!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sundays.....In some ways I really hate them
Why do I hate Sundays......because Sunday is the day before Monday and the craziness of a new week starts. I wish we had 3 day weekends all the time. In fact, thats the sort of job I really want......one where I never work Mondays. Just think, a day after everyone has gone to school to be able to fix the carnage in the house. A day to catch up on the washing so that I dont have to do it all on the times when everyone else is home.
At the moment my sleep patterns are totally up the creek. Im almost a shiftworker lol. I wake up at between 3 and 4 bright eyed and bushy tailed, but by 3pm Im running at half rat power. I guess I had got up at 4am a few weeks in a row to catch up on work stuff, and now my body has got used to that. I really need to make a concerted effort to get back to a standard 5-6 am start.
Stef loved her swimming yesterday. She had so much fun and her teacher is so great with her. Its taken him a while to get used to teaching her but he now has it in his head that he can teach her anything as long as she has fun. She swims only in the deepend of the pool and never touches the edges for the whole 30 or 40 minutes of the lesson. Its great as it wears her out a bit. Saturday night she always sleeps like a bomb. Jack had heaps of fun in his lesson too. His teacher is a young guy, Ben, who loves to have fun with the kids being a big kid himself. He bombs the kids and has them squealing with joy. Jacks swimming has improved out of sight since he started lessons with the club last year. He is easy able to swim laps of freestyle. Just gotta get his breathing technique right and he will make a great swimmer as he is very strong on his stroke. I really must get to the pool more with the kids. I need the exercise (I used to swim about 1.5 kms most days.....now I do none)
Today Melinda is going to an animation convention. She is just so excited that a friends mum is taking them. Melinda is great at drawing...really great. Unfortunately though the art teacher at school squashed her creativity and told her that she wasnt imaginative. Bloody teachers!!! What she should have done is expand on the modern art stuff with her instead and not try to force her into art that she was not interested in. I know, she has to learn techniques, but hell perhaps teach her the techniques in the artform that suits her and she would have done great instead of squashing every bit of creativity out of her. Sometimes teachers just suck. Melinda also has a flair for designing clothes, but again, the sewing teacher quashed that creativity. I really must teach her all I know. (I have a design and pattern making certificate)
Have heaps of housework and gardening to do today, and some accounting work. Always busy, never enough time to do it all, but never a chance to get bored either. I have a great little vegie garden out the back. I could turn into a real greenie with it. The veg out of it taste so much better than the shops. At the moment there are just tomatoes in it, but they taste so good. Today I really have to rip them out and prepare the garden for the winter veg... I want to get some chooks too. I think I might get Stef to help me as she does gardening as a school subject at special school.
I so wanted to go out last night, but alas our usual babysitter was unavailable. I really wanted a really late night of total drunkeness and debauchery lol. I ended up though falling asleep at around 8.30 being a total bore. I hate boring!
At the moment my sleep patterns are totally up the creek. Im almost a shiftworker lol. I wake up at between 3 and 4 bright eyed and bushy tailed, but by 3pm Im running at half rat power. I guess I had got up at 4am a few weeks in a row to catch up on work stuff, and now my body has got used to that. I really need to make a concerted effort to get back to a standard 5-6 am start.
Stef loved her swimming yesterday. She had so much fun and her teacher is so great with her. Its taken him a while to get used to teaching her but he now has it in his head that he can teach her anything as long as she has fun. She swims only in the deepend of the pool and never touches the edges for the whole 30 or 40 minutes of the lesson. Its great as it wears her out a bit. Saturday night she always sleeps like a bomb. Jack had heaps of fun in his lesson too. His teacher is a young guy, Ben, who loves to have fun with the kids being a big kid himself. He bombs the kids and has them squealing with joy. Jacks swimming has improved out of sight since he started lessons with the club last year. He is easy able to swim laps of freestyle. Just gotta get his breathing technique right and he will make a great swimmer as he is very strong on his stroke. I really must get to the pool more with the kids. I need the exercise (I used to swim about 1.5 kms most days.....now I do none)
Today Melinda is going to an animation convention. She is just so excited that a friends mum is taking them. Melinda is great at drawing...really great. Unfortunately though the art teacher at school squashed her creativity and told her that she wasnt imaginative. Bloody teachers!!! What she should have done is expand on the modern art stuff with her instead and not try to force her into art that she was not interested in. I know, she has to learn techniques, but hell perhaps teach her the techniques in the artform that suits her and she would have done great instead of squashing every bit of creativity out of her. Sometimes teachers just suck. Melinda also has a flair for designing clothes, but again, the sewing teacher quashed that creativity. I really must teach her all I know. (I have a design and pattern making certificate)
Have heaps of housework and gardening to do today, and some accounting work. Always busy, never enough time to do it all, but never a chance to get bored either. I have a great little vegie garden out the back. I could turn into a real greenie with it. The veg out of it taste so much better than the shops. At the moment there are just tomatoes in it, but they taste so good. Today I really have to rip them out and prepare the garden for the winter veg... I want to get some chooks too. I think I might get Stef to help me as she does gardening as a school subject at special school.
I so wanted to go out last night, but alas our usual babysitter was unavailable. I really wanted a really late night of total drunkeness and debauchery lol. I ended up though falling asleep at around 8.30 being a total bore. I hate boring!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
So much to do today
First and foremost is housework. The house looks as if a bomb hit it. I have about 20 loads of washing to do. Not having had a washing machine for the last 3 weeks has been a total killer, add to that a chronic bedwetter and a destructive autistic child who takes off her nappy in the night and you get the drift. Its now 6am and I am on the 2nd load for the day. I so hope I catch up to it all over the weekend.
Today is the first week back at rainbow club. Rainbow club is an organisation that provides swimming for special needs kids. I am treasurer of the club...I know......its not as if I have anything else to do with my time is there. It makes me proud to to do this sort of stuff though. Geelong is so lucky to have it. There are 14 clubs Australia wide, of which Geelong is the only one in Victoria and is the largest of all the clubs by a long way. Kids with autism can be totally obsessed with water. They have no concept of danger. Stef used to just wade in to any water, way over her head, very scary as we camp near a beach and river in Summer. Now she can dog paddle so well that she can outswim me unless I do a really good freestyle. More importantly, she has finally got it that she does not go near water or get in unless I am there. How cool is that? My dream is to hold an annual fundraising event that provides enough money to provide free swimming lessons to all our beautiful special needs kids. Rainbow club has saved so lives..It makes it all so worthwhile. We had a beautiful little cousin who at 2 years 8 months drowned in a dam. He had autism. If I can prevent one family the heartache that his death caused, my work will be all worthwhile......and it has, our Stef!
I hope I find out that I have that music festival job today. I want it so much I can taste it. I think the experience it will give me will help with Rainbow club fundraising but also the sense of achievement of pulling off such a great event.
The kids all had a good week. Bman is still trying to catchup on the work he conveniently forgot to do over school holidays. Im so proud of how he has stepped up his work ethic this year. He is trying really hard. Its only when I read past diaries and have a really good think about what school was like for him in the early years that I really appreciate how far my boy has come. We are so proud of him. I think that he is just so awesome!! He has gone from a kid who just crawled around the classroom 90% of the time and had huge meltdowns and spent 4 hours in every day in the principals office to a highly articulate, very very intelligent young man with a view to a great future! When I think of all the battles we have fought for him.......and won it makes me tear up. Now we just have to get him through year 11 and 12! The school was so worried that he couldnt do year 11......and look at him flying...they couldnt be happier and neither could we.
Gotta see if we can get a babysitter for tonight......I just so need to let the hair down and rage. Its my sanity. I thinks its so important that we take a step back and just be husband and wife for a while, and me just be me....not mum and all the other roles I have in life. It keeps me balanced and I know that when I dont take that time for me, I become less productive in every single other part of my life. Sometimes I just have to be that wild child! Yeah, I know, at times I drink like a fish, but I dont rely on it, and I don't drink every day, or even every week. At times in my life alchohol has been a problem where I have preferred to see life through the bottom of an empty bottle..but not now. Now its more just a release occasionally and a return to the totally outrageous crazy funloving part of my character! In all things there has to be balance.....a ying and yang! Work hard, Party harder is my motto, and I definitely work bloody hard!
Today is the first week back at rainbow club. Rainbow club is an organisation that provides swimming for special needs kids. I am treasurer of the club...I know......its not as if I have anything else to do with my time is there. It makes me proud to to do this sort of stuff though. Geelong is so lucky to have it. There are 14 clubs Australia wide, of which Geelong is the only one in Victoria and is the largest of all the clubs by a long way. Kids with autism can be totally obsessed with water. They have no concept of danger. Stef used to just wade in to any water, way over her head, very scary as we camp near a beach and river in Summer. Now she can dog paddle so well that she can outswim me unless I do a really good freestyle. More importantly, she has finally got it that she does not go near water or get in unless I am there. How cool is that? My dream is to hold an annual fundraising event that provides enough money to provide free swimming lessons to all our beautiful special needs kids. Rainbow club has saved so lives..It makes it all so worthwhile. We had a beautiful little cousin who at 2 years 8 months drowned in a dam. He had autism. If I can prevent one family the heartache that his death caused, my work will be all worthwhile......and it has, our Stef!
I hope I find out that I have that music festival job today. I want it so much I can taste it. I think the experience it will give me will help with Rainbow club fundraising but also the sense of achievement of pulling off such a great event.
The kids all had a good week. Bman is still trying to catchup on the work he conveniently forgot to do over school holidays. Im so proud of how he has stepped up his work ethic this year. He is trying really hard. Its only when I read past diaries and have a really good think about what school was like for him in the early years that I really appreciate how far my boy has come. We are so proud of him. I think that he is just so awesome!! He has gone from a kid who just crawled around the classroom 90% of the time and had huge meltdowns and spent 4 hours in every day in the principals office to a highly articulate, very very intelligent young man with a view to a great future! When I think of all the battles we have fought for him.......and won it makes me tear up. Now we just have to get him through year 11 and 12! The school was so worried that he couldnt do year 11......and look at him flying...they couldnt be happier and neither could we.
Gotta see if we can get a babysitter for tonight......I just so need to let the hair down and rage. Its my sanity. I thinks its so important that we take a step back and just be husband and wife for a while, and me just be me....not mum and all the other roles I have in life. It keeps me balanced and I know that when I dont take that time for me, I become less productive in every single other part of my life. Sometimes I just have to be that wild child! Yeah, I know, at times I drink like a fish, but I dont rely on it, and I don't drink every day, or even every week. At times in my life alchohol has been a problem where I have preferred to see life through the bottom of an empty bottle..but not now. Now its more just a release occasionally and a return to the totally outrageous crazy funloving part of my character! In all things there has to be balance.....a ying and yang! Work hard, Party harder is my motto, and I definitely work bloody hard!
Friday, April 16, 2010
How lucky I really am
I've touched on this a bit before.
I am so so grateful and appreciative of the true gift that I have been given. That amazing gift is the relationship I have with Steve.
I have seen probably 2 or 3 Grand Passion Relationships in my lifetime. You know the ones....like the old people who when they smile at each other the eyes glint and you know there are just sparks flying between them. Steve's Aunt and Uncle were like that......there was just a true passion there, a lifetime of experiences and a whole lot of loving.
I have been so blessed to find that sort of relationship. I just knew from the moment we kissed that it was the love of my life. He knew too...lol, he proposed to me about 10 days into our relationship (I knocked him back) and again about 2 months later. We have now been married 21 years.
It hasnt always been easy street, and it never was, but we talk a lot and there is always a true respect for each other and always always that pure chemistry.
Some people ask how can I possibly do what I do........I can because the burden is always shared and a burden shared is a burden halved.
I am always so grateful to have found him.
I am so so grateful and appreciative of the true gift that I have been given. That amazing gift is the relationship I have with Steve.
I have seen probably 2 or 3 Grand Passion Relationships in my lifetime. You know the ones....like the old people who when they smile at each other the eyes glint and you know there are just sparks flying between them. Steve's Aunt and Uncle were like that......there was just a true passion there, a lifetime of experiences and a whole lot of loving.
I have been so blessed to find that sort of relationship. I just knew from the moment we kissed that it was the love of my life. He knew too...lol, he proposed to me about 10 days into our relationship (I knocked him back) and again about 2 months later. We have now been married 21 years.
It hasnt always been easy street, and it never was, but we talk a lot and there is always a true respect for each other and always always that pure chemistry.
Some people ask how can I possibly do what I do........I can because the burden is always shared and a burden shared is a burden halved.
I am always so grateful to have found him.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Totally let my hair down last night
You know the feeling that you get just before you totally lose it.......thats what I felt at 3pm yesterday...Just like a huge amount of pressure and anger and all the shit and emotions. Rather than lose it, at 5pm last night, I said to steve who had got home a bit early.......Spa time. So off we went out the backyard spa, along with a couple of bottles of wine, a bottle of champagne and 12 shots....Lets just say, that by 6pm, I wasnt feeling a bloody thing. At 7pm I wasnt feeling anything but happy happy happy. We stayed in the spa until 9pm (wont tell you what we were doing) but then thought......damn, we havent fed the kids yet. The kids are nothing if they arent resourceful, and they had all had tea of some discription.
Sometimes you know, its better to take a step back to take a big breath than it is to keep battling on and hitting the head against the brick wall over and over.
Fortunately I just dont get hangovers unless I drink shitty white wine....
I had a busy day doing sweet nothing, or at least it felt as if I got hardly anything done...
Tonight Bman is being a total a$%^hole to his little brother and I am so sick of being fight referee tonight.......when is it bed time for them all....I can't stand it any more!!
Sometimes you know, its better to take a step back to take a big breath than it is to keep battling on and hitting the head against the brick wall over and over.
Fortunately I just dont get hangovers unless I drink shitty white wine....
I had a busy day doing sweet nothing, or at least it felt as if I got hardly anything done...
Tonight Bman is being a total a$%^hole to his little brother and I am so sick of being fight referee tonight.......when is it bed time for them all....I can't stand it any more!!
ON the cusp of major changes
Got a lot of work to do today. Catching up on washing after having the washing machine out of action for 3 weeks, getting the accounts of two companies totally up to date and doing a big grocery shop. I am hanging out to get one of these companies complete so I can walk away with a clear conscience and shut the door. I dont like leaving anything half done being a perfectionist.
I am so looking forward to the weekend. I think that I will get at least one job out of the interviews this week, probably even two or 3. If I get them all, I will have some pretty big decisions to make. One is a job where the company is small, but the pay will be good and the amount of responsibility and experience is large. It would set me up as a finance officer in any importing company. One is for a music festival which will provide me with excitement in the job, experience in organisation, experience in supervision of people and good hours. The other is a pure accounting job, with the prospect of furthering my career as an accountant and studying etc. All of them have benefits, all of them different and all of them a step up. I guess I will just have to look at the choice when the time comes.
Stef has mainstream school today. Its a little sad that this is her last year that she will be able to be mainstreamed. I love that she enjoys the school, loves the kids and the interactions she has with them. They really have been so amzing with her. When you take into consideration that she has no voice to interact with them, she really has some very special friends. They are so good at involving her in their groups, showing her things they are laughing at on the computer so that she really is just part of the class. It really is amazing. I think the other big thing that I see about sending her to a mainstream school is that all the kids in that school know her, and so even out of school we have lots of kids who will approach her. I think that most severely special needs kids because they go to school out of their area become very socially isolated in their community, they become almost invisible. Very sad. I hope every one of the kids she knows now will say hello to her when she is an adult. I think she has changed their lives too...they understand that even though she is different, she is very much a person, with feelings, love and a sense of mischief. That disability isnt something to be scared of, and that the community can do so much to help them just by inclusion.
I know, its my soap box...
I am so looking forward to the weekend. I think that I will get at least one job out of the interviews this week, probably even two or 3. If I get them all, I will have some pretty big decisions to make. One is a job where the company is small, but the pay will be good and the amount of responsibility and experience is large. It would set me up as a finance officer in any importing company. One is for a music festival which will provide me with excitement in the job, experience in organisation, experience in supervision of people and good hours. The other is a pure accounting job, with the prospect of furthering my career as an accountant and studying etc. All of them have benefits, all of them different and all of them a step up. I guess I will just have to look at the choice when the time comes.
Stef has mainstream school today. Its a little sad that this is her last year that she will be able to be mainstreamed. I love that she enjoys the school, loves the kids and the interactions she has with them. They really have been so amzing with her. When you take into consideration that she has no voice to interact with them, she really has some very special friends. They are so good at involving her in their groups, showing her things they are laughing at on the computer so that she really is just part of the class. It really is amazing. I think the other big thing that I see about sending her to a mainstream school is that all the kids in that school know her, and so even out of school we have lots of kids who will approach her. I think that most severely special needs kids because they go to school out of their area become very socially isolated in their community, they become almost invisible. Very sad. I hope every one of the kids she knows now will say hello to her when she is an adult. I think she has changed their lives too...they understand that even though she is different, she is very much a person, with feelings, love and a sense of mischief. That disability isnt something to be scared of, and that the community can do so much to help them just by inclusion.
I know, its my soap box...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Change is in the wind!
I feel my life is changing so rapidly at the moment.
It does this most when I write a lot. Its like a realisation that comes over me that I need to change things when I am not happy. Work has really sucked lately. I don't like the workplace, its cold and dingy. I dont like the job because it has so many inherent problems ie gambling boss, money problems and health department issues.
I just can't wait to get out of there. I will miss the people though. I have battled for them so hard and they respect me for that.
Onward to a brighter, happier future I reckon.
The kids are all doing well. Bman is busily trying to catch up on work that he was supposed to do in the school holidays but didnt. MJ is still saying she has no homework every day ...bit of a worry that girl. Stef is very happy to be back at school. Routine really suits her.
Today is a busy day, taking Jack for an emergency appointment at the dentist as he has a huge hole. Taking some finished work into the accounting office that I sideline with (woohoo, a monkey off my back at last!) and going to work at the hole. Roll around the weekend! I should have at least two new jobs to choose from by then.
Oh and I caught up to a dear dear long time friend last night. Its sad to see her going through so many damned hassles with men. So glad that I shopped around for mine first and chose a pretty damned terrific one to marry. It makes me really appreciate the guy I have. He is pretty special! He still knows how to push my buttons even after 21 years married.
I havent managed to catch up to my darling niece who had twins 4 weeks ago now....just seems that I just dont have a quiet moment lately to ring her. Life just seems to get in the way sometimes you know. I feel that I have really let our relationship down. Must make it a priority!!
Another good thing about today is that my washing machine is finally getting fixed!!! 3 weeks we have been without it, and its driving me insane. We have baskets waiting to be washed everywhere and the kids are running out of clothes. Just dont seem to get a chance to go to the laundromat for an hour or two......lol.
It does this most when I write a lot. Its like a realisation that comes over me that I need to change things when I am not happy. Work has really sucked lately. I don't like the workplace, its cold and dingy. I dont like the job because it has so many inherent problems ie gambling boss, money problems and health department issues.
I just can't wait to get out of there. I will miss the people though. I have battled for them so hard and they respect me for that.
Onward to a brighter, happier future I reckon.
The kids are all doing well. Bman is busily trying to catch up on work that he was supposed to do in the school holidays but didnt. MJ is still saying she has no homework every day ...bit of a worry that girl. Stef is very happy to be back at school. Routine really suits her.
Today is a busy day, taking Jack for an emergency appointment at the dentist as he has a huge hole. Taking some finished work into the accounting office that I sideline with (woohoo, a monkey off my back at last!) and going to work at the hole. Roll around the weekend! I should have at least two new jobs to choose from by then.
Oh and I caught up to a dear dear long time friend last night. Its sad to see her going through so many damned hassles with men. So glad that I shopped around for mine first and chose a pretty damned terrific one to marry. It makes me really appreciate the guy I have. He is pretty special! He still knows how to push my buttons even after 21 years married.
I havent managed to catch up to my darling niece who had twins 4 weeks ago now....just seems that I just dont have a quiet moment lately to ring her. Life just seems to get in the way sometimes you know. I feel that I have really let our relationship down. Must make it a priority!!
Another good thing about today is that my washing machine is finally getting fixed!!! 3 weeks we have been without it, and its driving me insane. We have baskets waiting to be washed everywhere and the kids are running out of clothes. Just dont seem to get a chance to go to the laundromat for an hour or two......lol.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Job interviews and choices to make!
I had another job interview this morning! I am pretty positive about getting it too. I came to realising though, just what a huge range of skills that I have been given.
In a total aha moment during meditation one day, I was questioning the whole "why me" over the kids' autism and the challenges that it presents. It was almost as if the higher power said ...well, yes you have been given enormous challenges over the whole of your life, but look at the skills I have given you to help you along your way". Its only now that I realise I do have a huge amount of energy, a huge breadth of skills and talents, huge amounts of patience, but most of all a huge amount of love to give. The interviewer today sat back and just said, wow, I wish I had the energy and determination that you do as a person`and when could I start.
There are bigger things on my horizon.I can feel it with my whole being. Its the scary sense of anticpation that I used to get waiting my turn to jump out of a plane...its the first step thats scary, after that its plain sailing.
In a total aha moment during meditation one day, I was questioning the whole "why me" over the kids' autism and the challenges that it presents. It was almost as if the higher power said ...well, yes you have been given enormous challenges over the whole of your life, but look at the skills I have given you to help you along your way". Its only now that I realise I do have a huge amount of energy, a huge breadth of skills and talents, huge amounts of patience, but most of all a huge amount of love to give. The interviewer today sat back and just said, wow, I wish I had the energy and determination that you do as a person`and when could I start.
There are bigger things on my horizon.I can feel it with my whole being. Its the scary sense of anticpation that I used to get waiting my turn to jump out of a plane...its the first step thats scary, after that its plain sailing.
Monday, April 12, 2010
School Holidays are over! What a relief!!
As much as I like the more relaxed atmosphere in the house during the school holidays, I find them very stressful. This school holidays has been very expensive to say the least.
Stefs need for sensory input really took over. As soon as she was bored in any way, along came trouble. Steve makes apple cider and didnt lock away the juice that he uses. Anyway, 9 litres of apple/pear juice was poured over Stefs bedroom, including the bed. We could cope with that, NORMALLY. Just one problem, our washing machine is not working and awaiting to get fixed. OUCH! Stef also had a great time ripping apart the futon while I was hanging out washing.....foam pieces from one end of the house to the other, mix that with the honey that she also got into and you get a sticky, foamy mess! Add to that the issue we have with toileting right now....and we had to throw out another couch which had been wee-ed on to beyond cleaning. OMG, I don't know how I remain sane let alone the happy go lucky person I usually manage to be.
The boys constantly fought over the computer as well and between my two work places and looking for a new job, I found it all quite overwhelming. I spent the Easter weekend wallowing in my own self pity and catching up on sleep. Then I sat and wrote and wrote and wrote.
I find writing to be my tap into my soul, to find out in my own mind what I am thinking. With all the clutter that is my life, my mind is usually so busy with no time to really think. Its great to take the time to just work out where I am, what my goals are and where I want to change. I write a lot. I find that if I dont take that time, I drift from disaster to disaster, become reactive rather than proactive and never really make any movements forward.
So glad that the kids start back at school....back to normality, back to routine, back to settled behaviours and back to having a Stef too tired to be mischievous!
Stefs need for sensory input really took over. As soon as she was bored in any way, along came trouble. Steve makes apple cider and didnt lock away the juice that he uses. Anyway, 9 litres of apple/pear juice was poured over Stefs bedroom, including the bed. We could cope with that, NORMALLY. Just one problem, our washing machine is not working and awaiting to get fixed. OUCH! Stef also had a great time ripping apart the futon while I was hanging out washing.....foam pieces from one end of the house to the other, mix that with the honey that she also got into and you get a sticky, foamy mess! Add to that the issue we have with toileting right now....and we had to throw out another couch which had been wee-ed on to beyond cleaning. OMG, I don't know how I remain sane let alone the happy go lucky person I usually manage to be.
The boys constantly fought over the computer as well and between my two work places and looking for a new job, I found it all quite overwhelming. I spent the Easter weekend wallowing in my own self pity and catching up on sleep. Then I sat and wrote and wrote and wrote.
I find writing to be my tap into my soul, to find out in my own mind what I am thinking. With all the clutter that is my life, my mind is usually so busy with no time to really think. Its great to take the time to just work out where I am, what my goals are and where I want to change. I write a lot. I find that if I dont take that time, I drift from disaster to disaster, become reactive rather than proactive and never really make any movements forward.
So glad that the kids start back at school....back to normality, back to routine, back to settled behaviours and back to having a Stef too tired to be mischievous!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Finding a new job!
have a job interview. I really hope I get it!
I realised a while ago now, that I really need to work outside the home in order to maintain a level of sanity and balance in my life. I devoted 12 years to therapy programs and life totally involved with the kids. I ended up feeling that my life totally revolved around autism and all the crap that came along with it. I ended up feeling totally overwhelmed and totally unfulfilled in trying to change a world that really didnt understand where we were coming from. I work for my own sanity, and the extra money coming in doesnt hurt either.
I am an accountant, but the problem is, part time jobs in the pure accounting field are hard to come by. Instead I have had to go into bookkeeping and admin. Thats ok. I can't work full time, not with our kids anyway. The challenge is to find work that satisfies me mentally while giving me the ability to be there for the kids after school. Today, the interview is for a job with a music festival. The job entails the accounting for that as well as the coordination of the festival. I think it will be right up my alley. I love music. It keeps me sane and to be able to help to put on a major music festival with 8 stages will be just great. Event management I think will be just awesome as a job. I love planning.
To be home for my kids though is ultimately important. I have so much to do. Bman needs to be kept on track, MJ too, Stef needs her therapies and Jack needs to be helped to keep up to his peers. I can't do that working full time...Just one of the challenges that Autism brings. The need to juggle my own needs, with those of my kids.
I realised a while ago now, that I really need to work outside the home in order to maintain a level of sanity and balance in my life. I devoted 12 years to therapy programs and life totally involved with the kids. I ended up feeling that my life totally revolved around autism and all the crap that came along with it. I ended up feeling totally overwhelmed and totally unfulfilled in trying to change a world that really didnt understand where we were coming from. I work for my own sanity, and the extra money coming in doesnt hurt either.
I am an accountant, but the problem is, part time jobs in the pure accounting field are hard to come by. Instead I have had to go into bookkeeping and admin. Thats ok. I can't work full time, not with our kids anyway. The challenge is to find work that satisfies me mentally while giving me the ability to be there for the kids after school. Today, the interview is for a job with a music festival. The job entails the accounting for that as well as the coordination of the festival. I think it will be right up my alley. I love music. It keeps me sane and to be able to help to put on a major music festival with 8 stages will be just great. Event management I think will be just awesome as a job. I love planning.
To be home for my kids though is ultimately important. I have so much to do. Bman needs to be kept on track, MJ too, Stef needs her therapies and Jack needs to be helped to keep up to his peers. I can't do that working full time...Just one of the challenges that Autism brings. The need to juggle my own needs, with those of my kids.
A quick introduction
Hi, I'm Janine. I have 3 beautiful kids on the Autism Spectrum. All very different. This blog is about the challenges we face day to day and what goes on in my head as I face it head on.
My oldest son, Bman, is nearly 17. He was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism at the age of 3. At that stage he was not verbal, not in the true sense of it anyway. He would say not much at all, a few nouns, but he couldnt ask for anything and certainly did not articulate in any meaningful way. He had hugely challenging behaviours which included enormous anxieties towards most everyday things, a fascination with his own body excrements and used to bolt away at the drop of a hat. With a lot of help from family and of course us, he is now a highly articulate, extremely clever 16 year old with friends and prospects of a pretty productive life and career. Who would have thought that he would have come so far. Our challenge now is to encourage him all the way and to continue to fight for a better world for him.
Stef is a beautiful young girl, now aged 11 nearly 12. Stef is non-verbal and has a tested mental age of around 3. She has extremely challenging behaviours. Her life evolves around satisfying her need for sensory input at all times. She is an extreme challenge. Our challenge is to find a way for her to communicate her needs and wants in a meaningful way and to try to get her to become as independent as possible.
Jack is a wonderful little boy, aged 9. He was diagnosed last year with Aspergers, Anxiety disorder and a high level of ADHD. He struggles at school work due to a poor attention span and fine motor skills deficits. We struggle to teach the teachers about autism and the manifestations that it causes. It can be so difficult as attitudes towards these kids by teachers is that they know everything.....we have had some great ones, but mostly, especially the older teachers have no idea and treat him like a naughty child all the time. They just make our life so much more difficult.
Anyway, onward. I work up to 25 hours a week, take roles in the community and try to maintain my own sanity as I too have ADHD. Sometimes I see the ADHD as a blessing. I have huge amounts of energy.....for me the challenge is to channel it, concentrate on the tasks at hand, and just not get sidetracked.
This blog is about the constant challenges we take, and how we try to keep life on an even keel in what is essentially difficult circumstances.
My oldest son, Bman, is nearly 17. He was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism at the age of 3. At that stage he was not verbal, not in the true sense of it anyway. He would say not much at all, a few nouns, but he couldnt ask for anything and certainly did not articulate in any meaningful way. He had hugely challenging behaviours which included enormous anxieties towards most everyday things, a fascination with his own body excrements and used to bolt away at the drop of a hat. With a lot of help from family and of course us, he is now a highly articulate, extremely clever 16 year old with friends and prospects of a pretty productive life and career. Who would have thought that he would have come so far. Our challenge now is to encourage him all the way and to continue to fight for a better world for him.
Stef is a beautiful young girl, now aged 11 nearly 12. Stef is non-verbal and has a tested mental age of around 3. She has extremely challenging behaviours. Her life evolves around satisfying her need for sensory input at all times. She is an extreme challenge. Our challenge is to find a way for her to communicate her needs and wants in a meaningful way and to try to get her to become as independent as possible.
Jack is a wonderful little boy, aged 9. He was diagnosed last year with Aspergers, Anxiety disorder and a high level of ADHD. He struggles at school work due to a poor attention span and fine motor skills deficits. We struggle to teach the teachers about autism and the manifestations that it causes. It can be so difficult as attitudes towards these kids by teachers is that they know everything.....we have had some great ones, but mostly, especially the older teachers have no idea and treat him like a naughty child all the time. They just make our life so much more difficult.
Anyway, onward. I work up to 25 hours a week, take roles in the community and try to maintain my own sanity as I too have ADHD. Sometimes I see the ADHD as a blessing. I have huge amounts of energy.....for me the challenge is to channel it, concentrate on the tasks at hand, and just not get sidetracked.
This blog is about the constant challenges we take, and how we try to keep life on an even keel in what is essentially difficult circumstances.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)