Feeling so much better today!

Slept like an absolute log last night, even slept in until 6.30am. I have been waking up at 4am for ages and it was starting to show.
I cleaned out Melindas room yesterday. OMG a full wheelie bin of rubbish and half a recycling bin. Obviously I hadnt been in there a while. Gradually getting the house decluttered..one step at a time.
I'm starting to feel more creative too. Hanging out to get into the garden on the weekend and probably will find my chooks today hopefully. I'm working for a while today and then going to find the chook seller.
Brent has two more exams today, and then my beautiful boy has finished year 11. Hopefully he will pass them. Had you asked me when he was in Grade 2 if I thought this was even possible, I would have laughed at you. He has come an amazingly long way!! All that hard work is paying off. All I can say to families with kids like Brent was....keep trying and never never give up hope!
This Sunday we have respite care in the afternoon. We havent been using 4 hours of our respite care a month, so now have decided to use it all up by having the occasional Sunday arvo or Thursday night.
Anyway, on with the day. Jack is yelling to me from the kitchen like usual....bloody child should find his legs and come and find me.

Friday at last!

Why is it that at work I can be so damned organised yet in my private life, its all just shambles? I know....its because at work, I have a set amount of time for tasks, a priority list and a plan.
In my private life, there are lots of curve balls, a neverending list of high priority tasks and quite frankly never enough time. I'm slowly but surely removing the external committments....refocussing on the family.
Rainbow club is going to fall by the wayside. I just can't afford the 7 + hours a week it has taken. I leave it behind with a heavy heart as I can't see the current committee stepping up to the plate. The members are all pretty apathetic. Running a raffle was proof enough to me, that a lot of the families just arent prepared to put themselves out, even to sell 10 raffle tickets. Why do I work so hard for their benefit when really they obviously don't care. Its just not worth it any more.
I realise too, that I haven't spent any time in the last 18 months doing the things that I enjoy.....I just havent had the time. My poor sewing machine is covered in crap, dusty and neglected.
There is so much I want to do to help Stef..spending more time on lifeskills, teaching her how to cook, to clean up after herself, and personal hygiene, computer skills and of course speech.
Today being Friday and after last Friday being pure rest, and the committment to have every friday to myself has fallen by the wayside. Today I have to do a Finance committee meeting at the school, and then go to work at the accounting office, the pile of dishes on my sink thanks to the broken dishwasher, a pile of washing a mile high. Today I feel tired...stressed and just a bit depressed.

Still Chilled!

The after affects of our holiday are still being felt. I vowed that I would keep Friday's free of work to spend time on myself. This morning I am going for a swim (gotta keep up the exercise). My aim for this afternoon is to clean off my sewing machine table, get out a box of fabric and design something for either Stef or myself. I haven't touched my sewing machine in 18 months which really is so wrong.
I have 4 large boxes of fabricz!!!
Its time for me to become more selfish with my time....I need time to get this house to how I want it to be.....time to be creative....time to relax ....time to put into my relationships. Today I will also type up a resignation letter for Rainbow Club....its time for someone else to step up to the plate. I can no longer put in 250-300 hours per year into the organisation, not when no one else in the club is prepared to put themselves out. Recently we had a fundraiser...our major one for the year, and only 4 or 5 families did anything for it. Our committee is one where they turn up to meetings, forward and second things, and then don't do a bloody thing. I am just so bitter about it. Its time to move on!
Today I am also going to start on my Christmas preparation...plan it out, presents, find the left over cards and wrap from last year...write out a list of people who need cards and gifts etc. I promise myself that I will be almost organised by December 1.
I took Stef for a ride on her trike last night. She is improving with each time. Now its just how to get her to keep her feet straight on the pedal and to do up her helmet. At least this time she steered the bike as well and not banging into every fence. I am also going to be working pretty hard on her lifeskills. It scares me that next year she will be only at special school as they are basically pretty lazy and write the kids off as unteachable. They arent....they can learn anything, as long as there is the patience and care.
I am so hanging out for Summer!! I loved being so warm last weekend. I love swimming!

OH I am so unfit!!

I gave up doing Jenny Craig. After 12 months eating the same foods, I am so over it. I have decided to follow a pretty strict eating plan (CSIRO diet) and lift the activity level heaps. Swimming 3 days a week, and on the other days doing 10 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on the Wiifit.
Yesterday was my first day. I swam over 500m (lost count at 20 laps), waded the pool for 15 minutes and did 6067 steps for the day. Lets just say, today I am a bit sore. Today I got on the elyptical for the first of my 5 minutes today. OMG, it was so hard. I am so unfit!!
I took Jack and Stef with me to the pool. They were both great! Stef hung around in the part of the pool which wasnt having swimming lessons while I did my laps. Jack was practicing his freestyle. I think by taking them 2 times a week, Stef may lose some of her weight too. We then came home and had a lovely spa. We really havent been using it as much as we should. Its part of my concerted effort to be both more active, but also using all my tools to destress.
Today Stef has school at Lara. Its sad to think she has only 6 weeks left of mainstream school. She has been so lucky that she has had some pretty damned awesome kids with her along the way. We have had no incidences of bullying with her and the kids have included her so well. It is awesome that in the street, they will come and say hello to her...in the shops, at the pool...just everywhere.
I have work today...no dramas there.
Anyways.....ONWARD!!

Can't I become a hippy and live the easy life???

We spent 4 beautiful days in Broome.....just Steve and I. Our first real break for 17 years of autism. It was absolutely wonderful!!
Oh to live a very simple life. I could imagine it.....and I sometimes wonder if that simple sort of life would be better for us all. To have the time to spend with Stef...to teach her the life skills that she needs rather than putting into the hands of people who truly don't understand her or what is really important. I had a dream last night in the 3 hours on the plane. I could imagine just taking everything I could from the government.....sitting on a beach somewhere, maybe making jewellery or food for markets, clothes etc, and just spending the time kicking back, teaching Stef things like cooking and independence and living a very simple life of organic food. After this week, I think maybe it would be better for us than the hectic rat race life we currently lead. Ha, to become a hippy!! I know that if I had the choice in it all, maybe I would just lead that sort of life.
I realise too, that what makes me truly happy are really simple things. We went to a market while we were there.....and I picked up the fresh ingredients for a thai curry.......it was awesome. I went straight back to the unit and made the nicest fish curry that I have ever eaten and I enjoyed putting it together just as much. It made me incredibly happy. Oh to have those fresh ingredients here.....but alas, you just cant get them.
We swam a lot, but not in the Indian Ocean.....I didnt like the thought of swimming with a 4 metre crock which had been seen on the beach that week......took lots of photos of beautiful sunsets over the ocean and basically just chilled. Ate too much crap of course and drank like fish.....but isnt that what holidays are all about.
I had a real tinge of sadness leaving.....I just didnt want it to end ever!
Reality hit when we got home though....2 hours sleep, and I had to have Stef and Jack at the paed by 9am. We did come away with some changes in medication for Stef though, and a more flexible medication schedule for Jack. Hopefully this med will work for Stef and get her bowels going more regularly and that Jack will be better with a 4 hourly dose of ritalin, rather than the longer lasting one. (i think its better for him if he has the meds only when he really needs it rather than giving him a larger dose over a longer period of the day)
Anyways, Back to Reality.......enough of dreaming of a simple life, and step back into the complications of what is not what might be.

Why does it rain on weekends?

Yesterday was a glorious day......sun was shining, it was nice and warm and it just was beautiful. Today is overcast, cool and just yuk. Seems to be the weather pattern at the moment, fine during the week and wet and yuk on the weekend.
Just 6 sleeps to go and we will go to Broome. I am hanging out for a battery recharge!! Its around 35-38oC over there at the moment, which reminds me...I must have a look at what of my summer clothes actually fit!! I may have to buy some new sandals for sure, and a new sundress oh and reclaim my bathers from Stef. I put a size 12 school dress on her yesterday...omg, she has grown so much this year. It seems a waste though to buy her new ones when she only has 6 weeks left at the school. We were lucky enough to buy her a new top and netball skirt at the opshop last week, so we may have enough to get her through until the end of the year. She really needs new clothes for Barwon Valley School though.
Stef was so smoochy yesterday and she had an awesome day at school. She really suprises everyone as yesterday her normal aide was away, but she had a good day anyway. Change does not bother her much at all which is a against the usual autism trait. I guess in this house things change all the time. When Brent was little he would have major meltdowns everytime we changed his normal routine, so we stopped doing anything the same way twice. Routines changed daily, furniture changed, plans changed, just everything in his life changed all the time. Eventually he got to the point where change was nothing to be frightened of and there were no more meltdowns. I know that Brent thinks I am flaky....that I can never make up my mind, but its what I have had to be for his sake. Routines were too comfortable for him...and the biggest difficulty was stepping out of the routine for him.
Tonight we are going to a cocktail party at a friends place. We havent caught up to these darling people for ages and we are so looking forward to seeing them both. I think steve was organising a limo for us (cheaper than a taxi to werribee). Its a pity we have to be home by 1am, but thats the way it is.
Anyways, onward. Lots to do...housework, rainbow club, jack has a mate's party and the Mt Washmore!

Day 22/100 day challenge

Its nearly 5am, after yet another night when I woke up at 3am. This sleeplessness is driving me crazy! On a good front though, I get a chunk of time to myself!
Im just planning our Christmas. This year, I am not going to do anything at the last minute. I want a stress free Christmas. My plan is to have everything organised by 1st Dec. Presents bought, cards done and food in the freezer. I really need to decide what I am going to give to the teachers this year. Maybe a box of christmas pudding rumballs. It adds up to quite a lot when you have aides, teachers, busdrivers etc to give to. I will also make up a plate for the teachers at Lara Primary, being on council.
This is my first day on my new activity plan...I have committed to 10 minutes of conscious exercise a day. I know it doesnt sound much, but its what I can commit to without excuses.
The decluttering, sproing cleaning is going well.....still working on the kitchen. One room at a time, and its getting done. By the 1st of December, I hope to have done every room in the house. So much stuff to get rid of! My theory is, if I havent used it in 12 months, it just doesnt belong or if it brings bad/sad memories, it just doesnt belong here. So many things that we keep "in case of". Stefs clothes really need going through. She has grown so fast, and a lot of her stuff just doesn't fit any more. Can you believe she has gone from a size 10 girls to a size 10-12 womens in a matter of 12 months. She is going to be very tall I think...maybe 5'10".
Lots of stuff to do today, banking and stuff for Rainbow Club, cleaning of course, and maybe I may go to work for half an hour or so to get stuff up to date and ready for the end of month. Its going to be 29oC apparently......a beautiful day. I love this time of year....not too hot, but some really pleasant sunny days.
I have set a timeline for the exit from Rainbow club too....1/1 seems like a good date. Its time to move on, before I get bitter and jaded (maybe I am already LOL) and it will be great to free up our weekends to spend as a family instead of working for the benefit of other families who really don't appreciate the effort.
Anyway....going to get organised to go for a walk this morning..then maybe a quick spa before getting the kids up.

Time to simplify and get selfish!

After making a decision to simplify my life, I have realised just how much of my time is spent doing things for others. Rainbow club is probably taking me between 5 and 7 hours a week. Steve thinks it is a lot more. School council is a little less at about 1 1/2 to 3 hours a month.
I think my family will need every bit of my time next year. Brent has a big year ahead.....VCE. He needs to get his learners permit and learn to drive. Melinda will be moving on to year 10 work and needs to learn how to organise herself. Stef of course is moving into puberty. All big things in their own right, and they deserve to have a mum who is there for every step of it.
Bit by bit, the house is getting a good spring clean. This week it is the kitchen. OMG some of it was so gross. I hit the floor running this morning, cleaning the fridge of all the science experiments and out of date stuff. Oh and I did a bit of ironing too. Its nearly 6.30 and I need to get MJ up soon.....then I am getting on the eliptical trainer for a while. I am going to make a concerted effort to do exercise daily on a consistent basis. Not a lot, just a little each day will do the trick.
Today I have to go to work earlier than usual. Steve is taking the little darlings to school. anyway, onward

Geelong cup day!

I worked Monday so that I could be at home today as all the kids have the day off school. I just don't understand why the teachers need to have Geelong Cup day. They used to at least give the kids a day off for the show, now, its all about the teachers and stuff the kids!
Today I have been working on getting my kitchen spotless. I find generally, that although its pretty clean on the surface (some of the time anyway)a lot of stuff just hasnt been done. Things like cleaning out the freezer, scrubbing the oven and benches....giving it all a damn good clean. I am also throwing out anything I dont love or dont use. I can't wait for the house to be completely decluttered!
Yesterday we went out for lunch, just Steve and I. It was great to just spend some time together. Then we went to the op shop and picked up a unit to put our stereo, cds and alcohol in our bedroom. Its a problem that we can't have any of that stuff in the general living area of the house...thats the price we pay with having Stef I guess. Its cool that we picked up one pretty cheaply in very good condition and it even matches our bedside tables. Ha, I even got a discount on it having a healthcare card on me for Stef.
I'm just deciding on a timeline to get out of Rainbow club.....I am so sick of committees and the time committments that I have. I reallly want to simplify my life so that I get more time doing the things that I really love to do, ie sewing, cooking classes etc. I think its time I started looking after me too. There is always more stuff I can do to help Stephanie too.
OH and I had a conversation with Medibank Private about health coaching...interesting stuff, and they are sending me lots of info on portion control, and things like a pedometer to help me on my way. I am giving up doing Jenny Craig this week. Its expensive and I am so bored with the food. I think instead exercise and the Csiro diet again will keep me losing the weight.

Day 19 of my 100 day challenge

Ok, today is day 19 of this challenge. By starting a challenge on October 1, I finish the day of my birthday!

This whole challenge this time is about tidying up my life....finishing unfinished business and taking care of myself so much better.

I am in the process of losing 50 kg. I have so far lost nearly 40, but gained back 5kg in the last month or two. I got very bored with Jenny Craig food and not to mention the expense. Today I decided that I wouldnt do Jenny Craig any more, but would instead use healthier food and exercise instead. I am the only one responsible for my own health and well being. Heres to getting back on track.

I will have stopped smoking by the end of this challenge. Hopefully very soon. On day 1, I started on a drug called Champix which apparently stops cravings. For me, I had a massive anxiety reaction to the drug. It was very scary. Under doctors orders, I was told to cease taking it, and then in a couple of weeks try again using more conventional nicotine replacement.

Currently, I am way to involved in charity work and committees. My aim for this challenge is to simplify my life. So, one of them needs to go. I currently do about 5-8 hours a week on Rainbow club, and as much as I love the organisation, I really feel that I have done my bit on a far more consistant basis than any other member. Its time to put my family first.

I have 3 kids on the autism spectrum. I really need to find more time in my every day to give them far more of my undivided attention. Brent next year is in his VCE (like graduation year) and will need more support. Stef is on the verge of puberty and is learning lots of new things which I would really like to capitalise on. Jack just needs more time. Melinda also needs more time. Its time to clear my decks so that I can help my children in a more valuable way.

I will also be finishing up some work so that my timetable is clearer.

I am also striving to get more support for Stef. Its time to ask for more help and get as much support as I can. Its a good idea to get Stef used to the many support organisations that are available, such as residential respite etc.

Reaction to champix

I had to go off champix yesterday. Major reaction to the stronger dose made me feel so incredibly anxious and I had about 10 panic attacks. Panic attacks are awful. My heart was racing, I had the wooshing of blood in my neck and a really bad feeling all over. I stopped taking them yesterday morning and gradually I am starting to improve. The pain in my chest is getting less too. I rang the doctor yesterday and he advised to get off them straight away, and then to use alternative methods to give up smoking starting later next week when this should be out of my bloodstream.
Isnt the rescue of the miners in Chile just awesome! One by one they are bought to the surface and with each one a story.
Steve is home again.....thank goodness. I am so sick of him being away. I really don't sleep as well when he is not here, and of course Brent behaves a lot better when he is here.
Got our massive powerbill yesterday...OMG, $1400! We are just changing electric companies to one with a lesser rate and more discounts. We will sit down on the weekend and trim the bills somehow. We have a fridge in the shed that can go off.....and a freezer which we either need to fill up or turn off. Will also be putting Jack on the powerbill...then we can get the disability rebate which will help for Summer and Winter bills.
I have to ring Jack's Paed today. The longer lasting Ritalin really is having very little affect on his behaviour. Our previous tablets (4 hourly) were so much better. The school has asked to go back to the tablets so I need to get a new script for them. Even Jack says the capsules dont work at all.
Have to retreat the kids for the bugs today too. Hopefully, fingers crossed.....this is it!
Anyways...on with the day......work today.

Struggling with focus!

I'm just so unfocused at the moment. Not sure if it is the tablets Im on, or just ADHD, but I just am struggling to get anything done! I just feel my life is a total mess right now. So much unfinished business. I'm feeling very anxious a lot..Anyway, In a vain attempt to get my life back in order, I really am having to write lists and cross things off. Step by step, mouthful by mouthful, the elephant can be devoured. I just have to pare it down so I am doing one job at a time and putting my full concentration into it. Also using hypnotherapy to overcome the anxiety attacks. Not nice stuff.
Anyway, kids are all ok. Brent is being loud and painful and its affecting the other two a fair bit. He constantly rags Jack until Jack screams and then Stef screams because Jack is.

The challenge is on!

Today, I am going to ring every organisation I can, to see if I can get overnight respite care from any of them. I will also be finding out what length of time there is for residential respite care.
When I get this information, I am going to hit the politicians!
It seems that 10-15% of families with special needs kids get the majority of the funding with their respite care services increasing...yet the 90% are either on waiting lists or try to do it on their own. As with any community, some people seem to put their hand up for every single bit of help they can possibly squeeze out of the system. Just depends on their case worker or contacts how much help they recieve. It sucks when people are waiting years for just one weekend off...and others get 3 days off a fortnight and a couple of weeks continuous holiday. It doesnt depend on how severe the disability is either......
Carers respite no longer provide one off overnight care...they used to.....

Anyway, onward. Lots to do today, but have made huge inroads already. I hit the floor running at 5am and already have done 4 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen, washed all the floors and have made inroads in the ironing.
Im a work widow again this week...it seems pretty usual at the moment to be on my own at least two nights of the week. Certainly doesnt make life easy around here. Yesterday we had fights with both the older kids about tidying their rooms. Melinda seems to think that because I clean Stefs room, I should also clean hers. Grr, she is 14 years old, surely she can put her own dirty washing in the laundry. Brent doesnt see any point, and had the gall to say the house was a dump...shit of a kid!
This morning I have to go to Jenny craig, and then do lots of Rainbow club stuff.....Thats another thing I really have a beef with at the moment. Lazy parents who feel they are entitled just because they have a special needs child. They do no fundraising and some of them wouldnt even sell a raffle ticket. It basically leaves 4 people to raise $20 000 for the viability of the club in the new year. What is it with the sense of entitlement that some people get.......its like the world owes them a huge amount because they had a special needs child....and yet they do nothing to make it better but suck it dry for all they are worth. These are the first people in line at the Christmas party for presents and food, but do nothing to get them. I think Im starting to get committee burnout..why should I work for these people 4-5 hours a week, when they cant even give 1 minute of one day.

OMG, Stef can swear in sign language!!

Stef had us in stitches last night......so funny. The boys were fighting over a video game.....Steve came in to adjudicate the fight, and Stef was tapping the top of her head like she does when she is annoyed. Steve called the boys "dickheads" ....and then Stef made the sign for "dickhead". To find out what else she knew, Steve asked her what the sign for "get f$%^$" was. OMG< she knew it too!
I know that sounds kindof bad, but normal teenagers use that sort of language, and its great that she has the same thoughts as they do..that she doesnt think in the simple baby language that her supposed IQ would. It means she actually thinks like a normal teenager! I have often felt that Stef thinks like a normal kid, just her lack of communication skills don't allow her to convey all thats in her head. Who knows what she really knows or thinks?

Things are starting to look better. Its amazing how when Steve is home, it all seems to be so much better. What seemed like a pretty crappy week at the time, just seemed to melt away with a cuddle. I still have a fair bit to do, but hey...no one is going to die if it isnt done right this minute. Stuff it all!

time wasters

Our schools have a total infestation of headlice......Its awful! Yesterday, Stef was sent home early because they found some on her. OMG, there goes 2 1/2 hours treating all the kids! It seems that Stef gets them at both schools and I would hate to think how many times Ive treated her in the last 12 months.
On a positive note, I have been taking Stef for a ride on her 3 wheeler again. Thursday I did it for the first time in ages but it was cut short because a storm was coming. We got home just in time......before it totally poured. Yesterday, Stef put her helmet on and I said, "you want to ride today Stef" and she said "Yes riding time". She even did her helmet up which has been an issue in the past.
Steve gets home today!! Woohoo!! I can't wait for a cuddle. Its amazing how it all feels so much different when the burdens are shared. As they say, a burden shared is a burden halved!
Oh and the champix are starting to kick in. Im probably smoking a bit less, but also, only feel like half the cigarette..4 days to go, and then I give up totally!
A busy weekend ahead. Have to do Rainbow club stuff on Saturday...a fund raiser and then collecting fees for 3 hours.
My car is due back from the panel beaters today.....was supposed to be yesterday but thats ok.

Sometimes my life is just GR

I'm trying really hard to keep positive, but hell its taking a bit at the moment.
Yesterday was just one of those days with the kids. Started off bad when I tried to make the lunches. Melinda had after I went to bed, eaten 8 jam donuts! Her compulsive eating is sometimes a real problem. She lied to me and said it must have been Stef who ate them. I know that it wasnt Stef though. Stef would leave bits of them around, and wouldnt put the empty packet in the bin outside. It annoys me totally that MJ can bald face lie and then say whatever when you pull her up on it. She finally admitted it but even that was disrespectfully. I just didnt have the energy last night to push it.
Work went ok, but I was tired and distracted by a stupid management consultant who is totally wasting my time. I will be so glad when he has gone as he is such a stupid man. Then I picked up the boys from school. Brent was in a rage about having to redo his English SAC. He just wouldnt understand that its a long bow to draw to say that Stem cell research was basically to increase the rich's power in the world. I took me about half an hour to get him to calm down enough to see a little bit of reason. He finally did, after I explained that stem cell research is being done in China to help kids like Stef and basically if I had the $100 000 I would take her. But how great that would be if it becomes a treatment that is more available to help the very severely afflicted autistic to communicate.
The next issue I had was that Stef broke the railing holding up the slats on her bed...meant that she had to sleep on her mattress on the floor last night which didnt go down well. It was close to 1am when she finally went to sleep.
Then, at 7pm......Melinda said, oh I have to cook banana bread for an assessment task for health. I had to then go to the shop to get bananas and other stuff to make it. No thanks mum or nothing. She finally got on to make it, and then dropped the cake tin as she was putting it in the oven.....cake mix right through the oven.....cooking onto the hot surface. I scooped up what I could, put it back into the tin, and cooked it. But my oven is a mess. This will be a big test of the self cleaning oven!
Anyway, Im behind in my housework plans due to my friend arriving on my doorstep for 4 hours on Tuesday and having to do a bit of running around on Tuesday for rainbow club...Im getting emails putting pressure on me to get the stuff done for them, emails about my casual work, and heaps to do.
I really need to take a step back, scream at the fence to get rid of the tension and then just get on with the job, doing the best I can.
Can't wait til Steve gets home, just to give me a cuddle!

Day 5- Getting there!

Steve is away again...Bangkok this time. The first night is always the worst. I think it was about 3am when I finally got to sleep. I hear every noise. The second night I am usually too stuffed to hear a thing. The kids cope well when he is away. Its just different but very much business as usual. I find it harder. I miss that emotional support.
I have finally caught up on washing woohoo. Now I just need to make sure I do 3 loads a day to keep up to it. I still have a pile of ironing though, but just on a basketful, so it will take a couple of hours. Today I will finish decluttering the laundry. Oh what fun!
I have heaps of stuff to do today. Lots of catching up to the Rainbow club stuff. I am finding it a bit frustrating at the moment. As with any club, only about 3 or 4 people are willing to put themselves out to help run it. Unfortunately, especially when it comes to disabilities, people have the expectation that it will all be handed to them on a plate. They don't see Rainbow club as a club, but as a charity. It sucks. If I didnt care so much, I would drop out of it all together but I want to see all kids with disabilities learn to swim and be safe in water. I really must get more publicity going.
I have heaps of work stuff to do too. Must get on with it in a big way today. Time to get some projects finished ready for a clean slate.
The 100 day challenge is on day 5. So far so good. At least I am working towards my goals pretty consistently.
Anyways, time to get going

Day 4/100 day challenge and back to school!

Woohoo! Kids are back at school!! Normality hits! As much as I don't like having to get up everyday and get the kids going, I really like the routine that school term brings. The kids all got up this morning without too much hassle, even Melinda who stayed up till 3am watching the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth games. Melinda was hanging out to be back at school. As much as she hates to admit it, she loves it and is really quite good at school when she gets her organisational shit together. I have been desparately trying to catch up on the washing.....like about 15 loads yesterday, but this morning I walked into her room and freaked about how much washing was sitting around, and the clean stuff, just thrown on the floor. HMMM, bloody child. Isnt it bad enough that I have to do absolutely everything for Stef without having it to do for the other 3 as well. Oh well, will clean it up later today with her help and will throw out any clothes that no longer fit.
Today as my declutter challenge, I am still in the laundry. Woohoo, one load of washing left to do, and half of the room decluttered. Next step is the fabric stash in there...time to sort through and either sew up the baby/toddler fabric to give away or donate it to the opshop. I may just give it to a friend who makes kids clothes for the women's refuge. Its scary that these girls walk out of their homes with nothing...not even a change of clothes for their kids. Our local sewing guild donates clothing to give to these families. Stef really needs new clothes too...but being very long in the body, its hard to get her off the rack stuff, all the tops are too short, and the trousers are too shallow. It usually means she has a 4 inch gap between the tops and her bottoms. Must sit down over the next week or so and design some new stuff. I gave Melinda a drawing tablet for her computer but its incompatible for her mac so I will take it back to design outfits for stef (I am hopeless at drawing usually, but so much easier on the pc. I guess I was sent a lot of different skills for a reason....sewing and design is one of them that I look at and think Gee, I am so glad I can do that.
Anyway, washing machine has finished again, so out to put out some more before the rain!

100 day challenge!

Ok, I have started a 100 day challenge. If you havent heard me talking about it before, its 100 days where I work each day towards my set goals.
My goals for this 100 days are:
1. To lose 10kg
2. Give up smoking
3. To organise the house, get rid of clutter from every room.
4. To be more creative.
5. To have a nice garden, vegetables and fresh eggs.
6. To finish of work projects and have rainbow club stuff up to date.
7. To get more help for Stef and our family.
8. To be more financially aware and making the most of what we have.

Each week, I break down the tasks to smaller chunks and each day do something to move forward on each goal.

The first time I did the 100 day challenge, was about 3 years ago, where we decided that we needed to move. Bit by bit, we did things around the old house to get it ready for sale. At the start of my 2nd one hundred day challenge we had made the decision to sell, and we did!
Its amazing how when you set your mind to your goals, and work on them each day that things actually start to happen pretty quickly.
This 100 day challenge is about tidying up my life so that I can move on to new challenges with a clean slate, mentally and physically. Its about getting rid of emotional and physical clutter. Both for me, and those around me. Its about getting the help we will need for Stef, and getting ready to help her move on to young adulthood. Its about helping Brent gear up for his final year of school and Melinda moving onto year 10 work next year which is a pretty vital year. Its about getting Jack more mentally organised. The kids need me to be far more organised, the house to be one of peace, and to have a sanctuary that they deserve. Its about organising breaks for them and for us so that we can approach life in a less stressed manner.
Today, I have worked on decluttering the laundry and have worked in the garden a while. Its a beautiful spring day...so sunny and warm!
We went to the outskirts of Lara, and watched the bike riders in the world championship ride past. Cheering them on. I had a conversation with one of the swiss riders at the supermarket the other day....he was saying how great it was to have such terrific fresh food available and how cheap it was. Its something that we take for granted a lot I guess, especially when it is so easy to grow stuff ourselves. Can't wait to have my vege garden at its peak....oh and we have raspberries and blueberries and strawberries....yummo.
Anyway......onward...

Its a beautiful spring day!

The sun is shining, the house is pretty clean, and today I'm feeling pretty positive.
Yesterday, we won the war against City of Greater Geelong regarding a Disabled Car Park permit. Its amazing how if you put the pressure on the beureaucrats (sp) via the elected representatives, that the criteria magically changes. Its a win! Next step is the education department. It's ridiculous that Stef and Brent get the same funding for school and that Stef gets roughly half that of a physically disabled child who is capable of doing the same things. There is always a battle to fight with these kids. The other is our access to speech therapy and of course respite care.
Stuff them all, Its time to make waves and believe me, I can surf them all!
Got a fair bit to do today...always heaps to do. Rainbow club stuff needs doing, work stuff, and of course getting the kids ready to go back to school on Monday. Oh and course Stef has emptied her wardrobe on to the bedroom floor again! Washing Washing Washing and always messes to clean up. I really need to get my diary out and make a list!
My new job is great. I love that its so cut and dried. My tasks are set according to deadlines and that I work pretty independently with it. I love how I can leave at the end of the day with the work finished and the plan for the following week already in place. Its great that nothing hangs over my head. For a person with ADHD, its great that I can plan out my time, no decisions to be procrastinated on.What is a huge laugh for me though, is that my boss sees me as incredibly organised and is even adopting some of my techniques to keep myself on the task.
Today I am going to take some time outside. Time to work on the garden a bit, and the sunshine and vitamin D will do me the world of good.

On a happy note

The real positive I took from yesterday is that for the very first time, I had to pay Stef pocket money!! Our kids get money for doing chores, and for the first time ever Stef unstacked the dishwasher and cleared the table!! She was as pleased as punch with herself and carefully put her money away ready to go to the shop to buy her OWN lollies! She has a real love of chocolate coated honeycomb and I just know thats what she will choose when I take her to the shop (I made sure I paid her enough to buy some). Yesterday she was really switched on. Lots of words....woke me up with a kiss on the cheek and a "wake up sleepy" "hungry" "breakfast". She was quick at making choices.
Yesterday I was busy writing emails to our local councillors about our parking permit issues. Surely being a danger to herself or others should be enough to get a disabled parking space. Its purely ridiculous and I should not have to go back to my doctor to get him to lie and say she has trouble walking. Thats shit!
Anyway, off to work today. My mum is looking after the kids so I got up pretty early and did a bit of housework so that at least she wont wash floors. I worry about my mum doing too much. She is 77 and a fall on slippery tiles is the last thing she needs, nor does she need to carry heavy washing baskets. Must get going, time to get the act together....One foot in front of the other!

Fighting the system because the system just sucks!

Why is it, that because Stef's disability is mental rather than physical, she gets so much less help? She can't wipe her own bottom, bath herself, dress herself properly, brush her hair, or clean her teeth properly...why then doesnt she get the same support as a child who isnt physically capable of doing the same tasks.
This week, City of Greater Geelong in their wisdom wouldnt give us a disabled parking permit..Why? Because Stef can walk......but hey, we have to hold her like she is handcuffed to us in a carpark....and as she gets stronger, that gets harder.
What did they send us instead...a carpark permit that gives us double the time...doesnt make sense when the most we ever spend shopping with her is as quick as possible...get in get out before the overwhelmingness that sometimes get her hits.
The same goes for in home respite care...she would get far more if she had even a tiny physical disability than she ever gets now. It just sucks that there is such a division with support available for physical vs mental disabilities. OMG, she is one of the most severely afflicted kids in Geelong and yet we get stuff all! Not even help with a speech device.....grr.....it just gives me the shits! Autism is not sexy....its not like a baby seal...all cute and cuddly. Its a shitty horrible frustrating and debilitating condition and not having a voice must be the most frustrating of all disabilities. I know, I have tried not to speak for a day. I could handle being blind, a few weeks with eyepatches on proved that (acid burns to the eyes in a lab accident), I can handle being deaf, but to not be able to tell people what you want, what you feel, or what you dont want would really suck. To have someone exert their wants or needs on you without being able to express what you want or dont want...how frustrating. Why isnt a voice seen as being important by the stupid people who create this hierachy of disabilities...why do they see that a bung knee or low muscle tone is worse than not having a voice. Who the flick are these people who decide this....Id love to gag them for a day, put them in a strange place with no reading ability and fill em up on water....and just see their frustration when they cant find the toilet. Why isnt having the mind of a two year old in the body of a 12 year old seen as a disability??
If it sounds as if Im pissed off...its because I am. I am so sick of fighting a shitty discriminatory system which does not understand my child's disability. It happens at school, with the council, with respite care services and support services....assholes

Anyways, thats my soap box for the day. trying hard to move on this morning. I have a lot to do, but my mind keeps coming back. I guess I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the stuff I have to do and just keep on keeping on.

Low energy levels suck!

At the moment, I just feel flat. Tired, sick of fighting and just so disinterested in everything. It just sucks! I'm not sure whats going on. Maybe Im just a bit burnt out. Right now, I feel as if I could sleep forever and everything seems like a huge effort.
Im hoping that the change in whether lifts my spirits a bit and gives me a bit more energy. I got out in the garden yesterday and weeded my vegie garden. At least its a start. Im taking Stef today to get new seedlings and will get her to help me plant them. She gets really excited about gardening. She does a bit at school and really enjoys her time gardening.
Got a fair bit of work to complete this week. The accounting firm job is coming to an end I think and they want it up to date as soon as possible. Im probably about 15 hours from completing. I will do a lot today and probably tonight as Steve is heading off to Sydney. The sooner I get it finished the better....I need to tick it off the list to give me a sense of achievement.
Steve is travelling a fair bit, maybe thats a reason why Im feeling a bit flat..its hard when its all left up to me constantly and have little time to do the things that I like to do too. I think maybe that I need to enlist in some cooking classes or something just for me or get back into sewing a lot more. Just something thats purely for me.
I'm making a concerted effort not to drink much at the moment too. I just found that I was drinking too much during the week...not much, but I never want to rely on it as the only way to relax. It would be just too easy to fall into the trap of drinking everyday. Oh and I am on champix which is a drug to help me give up smoking. I have 10 days left of chuffing and then its finished. I want to get rid of yet another vice. I hate it, its expensive, it stinks and I want to be healthier. I find too that it increases my anxiety levels. I know that I will feel like crap for a while, but the long term I know I am a happier person when I dont smoke.
The kids are all sick with colds. Not major, just colds. At least I havent picked it up too.
Oh and last night I met my beautiful great nieces for the first time. It felt so good to hold them and bought back major memories of holding their mum so many years ago. One is very much like her dad....a total cheeky little imp with a huge smile. The other is more like her mum and in that sense, a bit more like a mini me. Sarah and I were always very alike. Both redheads I guess, and I used to spend so much time with her as a baby being just a teenager then with so much time to give. Oh how much I wish I could be so much closer to the girls so I could be the aunty to them that I was for their mum. I lavished Sas with so much affection as a littlie....sang songs, read books, took her to the park and she said yesterday, that she sings the same songs to the girls that I did with her. It bought a lump to my throat that she actually remembers.
Jack went on a fishing club trip with Grandad on the weekend. He had an absolute ball. There were other boys his age there and they kicked the footy and had so much fun together. For a kid with autism he really is able to make friends so easily. Its why I question the aspergers label ...I think he really is just ADHD and doesnt have that many autism traits at all.
Anyway, on with a new day.....Stef is already up and in the bath. I really need to do so much today but especially need to get her out of the house for a while. She is starting to go stir crazy being the second week of school holidays. The lack of structure adds to her stress.

Happy Hump Day!

It's Wednesday already????
Where are the weeks flying by to....I really don't know.
Sunday my darling girl MJ turns 14. I can hardly believe it. She is growing up so fast in lots of ways. I know she has so many extra issues that other kids just don't face....and face it, not a lot of my time either. She really amazes me...as she is a pretty well rounded, responsible teenager.
Had a phone call from my exboss......you know the one, where I had the bitch from hell as my superviser and quit it on the spot. Turned out, he sacked her and now she is suing for wrongful dismissal. I was sad that I had to leave the job...and to walk away without even contacting the owner afterwards. Anyway, all is sweet. It felt good to apologise for leaving like I did, but it was certainly understood why. I hate burning bridges like that. You never ever know what your future brings.
Work was busy today, but in a good way...Nothing is ever stressful there. Not sure if its the fact that you can just look out the window to catch your breath or what, but its quite a relaxing place to work. Even the dog coming to say hello makes a difference.
We had some lovely news last night......Stef was so excited about it and really understood. Even repeating it back to me with sign language....roll around March......so exciting!!
Brent is finally getting his shit together for SACs....hopefully he will finish them all before school holidays. Im so sick of nagging him.
Oh and my big brother rang my mum on the weekend. I am so relieved!

A couple of valuable lessons!

The last week was nothing short of difficult. Putting it bluntly.....it was crap! I have seen the worst in some people, but I have also seen the very best of others, including myself. It also spelled out to me what is just so important and why.
I had a huge weekend. Had Rainbow club on saturday and on the way home, hit a pot hole and blew a tyre...so funny. I pulled over, and Jack in his drama queen ways goes, "Oh, who is going to save us" I said...Jack, No one will save us, we have to save ourselves mate. I proceeded to get the spare out of the boot, the jack and the tools...and no sooner had put the jack under the car, but a truck pulled up, a bricklayer got out, and a man came along and just said...Move over, I will do this and have you back on the road in no time. Its good to know that I could save myself, but that other people cared enough to step in...how many times I have stepped in to help others......I guess it was my turn. Anyway, we got on our way, and I hit the corner just near home and realised that I had a second flat tyre. Damn Damn Damn!
On Saturday though at Rainbow club, I met a man from Werribee who is wanting to help start a club there. He was interesting and is also involved in a volunteer run respite care house which he says that Stef would enjoy so much. It runs on a slightly different line to DHS houses, there is one trained staff member, but the rest of helpers are volunteers, there are no permanent residents (always at DHS houses there are one or two because of families who cant cope with their behaviour). This house is run on money donated by businesses and volunteers. WOW!
Anyway, on Saturday night we went to the pub and danced the night away and got home at 1am. I then got in the car, and went to the Rainbow Club Swimathon to get into the pool at 2am. I swam until nearly 5am. Oh dear, muscles are so sore now! I kept moving the whole time I was in the water and I was told that I probably swam more that 5 km and after dancing as well and little sleep, lets just say Im tired and sore...At the swimathon though, we had a blind marathon swimmer. He was just awesome and it was a pleasure to meet him. I was talking to him on Sunday, thanking him for making the effort to help us in our swimathon to raise money...and he pointed out to me, that hey.....I swam 3 hours, and helped with the organisation of it all and that he thought that was marvelous in itself and that he really got why it was so important to me personally. I want all special needs kids to have swimming lessons...drowning is a real risk with children obssessed by water but not having the safety skills drilled into them. He really got that.
Today I am without a car as Steve has taken my tyres this morning to be replaced. Stephanie was throwing up yesterday and so Im not sending her to school today. The other kids will just have to walk.
Steve spent the weekend doing washing.....trying to catch up on all the stuff that I couldnt get done last week. It was the week that was. He really is marvelous!

To do list a mile long!

Today I am sooooooooo busy. I have a to do list a mile long, running all over town.
First up is a talk on behaviour at Barwon Valley School. I'm looking for ideas to deal with Stef's behaviour at the moment. We need to curb her meltdowns with her personal hygiene and the raiding of cupboards, and the pulling out of clothes from her cupboard and the trashing of her room. She is really beginning to be a handful!
I then have stuff to do for rainbow club. We have had checkbooks and money go missing....so I need to get to the bank to cancel them. And I have to get raffle tickets organised and put on the front desk at the pool. I would love the prize..dinner for two at Gordon ramsays and accommodation at the casino.
Then, I have to go into work for an hour or so to tidy up stuff. Yesterday was just a pain...alterations to pays at the very last minute..super payments that need to be made and workcover stuff. If I dont go in, these things will make next week too busy.
I have a mountain of washing to do.....and not to mention housework!
Oh..last night was funny. Went to a talk by a local paediatrician and gynae about puberty for Stef. I realised I knew both the doctors when they were students at Melbourne Uni..we had a good laugh about it all afterwards. Its times like these that I realise what a varied career I have had and just how many people I have come into contact with over the years. I have been referred to this paed and when I said that she said.....great, make sure they give us a double appointment and we will have a coffee and chat and that she had heard of our family before (result of deakin studies we participated in). She understood too why we need to change doctors with Stef and we are both sure we can come up with better treatment programs for her. All good stuff!
Anyway, on with the day.....no rest for the wicked and all that!

Yesterday was a day of downpours, but with beautiful rainbows

Yesterday was a tough day..
I had yet another car accident....nothing major, just clipped the back corner of the car in front of me when my foot slipped off the break pedal. It wasnt until last night that I saw the truly funny side of it. Had a really good laugh about it last night. Here I was dressed to the nines ready for work, standing by the side of the road with the bogunest of boguns...she looked like crap...flanelette pjamas, moccosins, hair not done and the language that came out her mouth.....Honestly, this woman had no class. Then it struck me.....hey I really do ok.....here I am ready for work, looking pretty damn good with all the struggles we face and the extra issues, and I still manage to take care of myself and show a sense of class. In the end....a car is just a piece or two of metal, a bit of plastic and glass thrown in for good measure, insured but just a fricking car. Should have recognised her bogunness when I saw the personalised number plate. I realised that even on my worst day, I would never leave the house looking like that...no matter what has happened!
Anyway, after having a pretty busy day at work, one of the mum's at school was compelled to give me a bunch of flowers. She said, she had them with her, and all of a sudden just had to give them to me for no particular reason......sometimes I think that the power above gives you signs of hope and goodness....this was one of them.
Anyways, today is a new day.....full of promise still.
Tonight I am going to a Puberty workshop with a peadiatrician...just trying to get through my head what awaits us with Stef. At least I will get to meet the paediatrician I will be taking Stef to soon. We need to change doctors because our current one really isnt giving me much confidence or much alternatives regarding Stef..he is getting old and I think a woman will be much more in tune to the young stef's needs. Tomorrow I'm going to a talk about behaviour......Jim Crawford. I met him a while ago..about 10 years ago. Has some pretty contraversial viewpoints, but he deals with the toughest behavioural cases here. (Shaz, maybe you should come with me!!) I have used lots of his ideas over the last 10 years but need some new ideas to deal with the behaviours puberty is bringing us. I'm trying so hard not to freak out about what is on the way...
Working today and nearly ready before getting Stef up, always over dressed lol, but thats me. There is something about looking good going off to work which gives me a boost. Always wear makeup, hair straightened and dressed up. A lot of the other staff wear jeans, but for me, I need the business attire to make me feel professional.....Met the boss from Mildura yesterday....very quiet man, but I know he fires up pretty well.
On with the day!!

Happy Hump Day!

Well, its Wednesday again...the weeks seem to be flying by at the moment. I blink and the week is over again I guess because I am pretty busy.
Jack has been at camp and Steve is at a conference...the house is so damned quiet. I certainly know that Jack is my noisy kid. I have missed him a lot. He will always be my baby boy and now I can understand my mum introducing me to her friends as her baby (at 40 years old mind you). I hope he has had a wonderful time. He really is very independent. I must start teaching him how to cook. I have always vowed that my kids would be able to cook by the time they left home (I could barely boil water) and I usually start teaching them at about 10.
Melinda got her report yesterday...it was very good.....Most subjects she got Excellents..but her disorganisation holds her back so thats something we really need to work on.
I have work today...its 8.10am and I'm ready to go. Just waiting for Brent to get organised. Today I move into my own office (have been sitting in the managers office until I was trained...at least now I can have the radio going while I work. I find that I work so much better with music on. Its going to be 18 degrees today, gradually warming up a bit now that Spring is here. I can't wait until its nice and warm again. Soon the vines with have green leaves and the view from my office will be changing yet again. Its so nice to look out the window occasionally and see the valley below and the vines and trees, the dog running around catching rabbits....so much different to looking at the wall or the building next door like I have in previous jobs.
Melinda is staying home sick today.....says she is sick in the stomach. She hasnt missed much school so I guess its ok to have a day off today. (she didnt look sick, but who knows)
We are eating fresh vegetables out of the garden at the moment. Its great. I can feel the goodness in my energy levels. Yesterday it was brocoli, snowpeas, spring onions and bok choy, all out of my garden. I really must work in it over the weekend. I just love really fresh vegetables.
Anyways, time to get ready and go.

Success!

Yesterday I had a run in with our electricity company and won. You see, they had taken two payments this month for our electricity. We usually have a monthly direct debit because our power bills are astronomical. The usual repayment was taken out, and then two days later, another payment much higher was taken out. I pleaded my case, and explained that the company would look like absolute assholes if I took it to the media having 3 autistic kids in the house. I got my way, the second payment should be reversed by the end of the day today!
I'm having a good old declutter at the moment and a spring clean. One room at a time. On the weekend it was the lounge room.....OMG, the amount of crap in here was huge and then I scrubbed the walls and gave the carpet a shampoo. It looks like a new room. Today I am working on my laundry...the accumulator of all gross crap in the house not to mention my fabric stash. I really must make a concerted effort to go through it and toss any pieces that I cant see myself using. There is about 5 boxes of fabric.
I have heaps of work to do too.....with Michelle coming over so often, I really have been slacking off on my casual work. Steve is going away for the rest of the week, so I think I will put a huge week in on it to get it out of my hair......day and night until it is finished..time to get my ducks in a row.
I am gradually becoming a bit better at organising my shit...and maintaining my focus on the job at hand. The house is still a mess, but it didnt get dirty overnight, so its not getting clean overnight either. You can't clean clutter and there certainly is a lot of that right now.....both clutter in the house and clutter in the mind.
Anyway, on with the day!

Feeling a bit drained!

At the moment I feel just very drained.
I have a beautiful friend...desparately in love with her husband who walked out on her. Asshole...but how do you tell her, that he is an abusive creep. He verbally abuses her unmercifully with language that I wouldnt call my worst enemy and worse than I saw with the roughest nastiest men I have ever met. He does this in front of her beautiful children. Never apologises for it afterward and thinks he is God's gift to the human race.....Sorry girl, but he is a piece of crap who I wouldn't have back if you paid me all the fricking tea in china. What sort of example is she setting for her beautiful girl of how a relationship truly should be or how much self esteem she should have or how much respect there should be in a relationship.
This girl is leaving me drained ...just how much support can I give someone who puts up with crap like that...as a mate, I love her dearly, but hell, I am just so tired of it.
Anyway, on with my own dramas.
Brent is being incredibly slack at school and if he isnt careful he is going to fail at least two subjects. I really have to get on his case a lot harder, but hell, I cop shit from him behaviour wise whenever I have to sit on him. His bedroom is incredibly disgusting, even by my standards..
Jack has gone away on his first ever camp today. He was incredibly excited about it. Oh it was so funny, he went off with his huge bag (packed by me) but when he got there, he panicked when he saw the other kids sleeping bags and chased me through the school yard..."Mum, I havent got my doona or pillow".......i had to go back with him and show him that he had his sleeping bag, pillow and favourite blanket all packed away in his bag. He ended up forgetting his raincoat though as he had taken it out of his backpack...not good when it has rained pretty hard for 3 straight days, but hopefully it will be good weather tomorrow.
Mj is being the total nethead like usual. Spends every waking moment on the damn computer. Oh it was so painful when we had no internet on Sunday...it was like the life support machine was off. Good part about that was the kids actually went outside for a change. She is still as disorganised as ever and still doesnt bring any homework home. Oh these lazy kids are a worry.
Stef.....currently we are doing a puberty thing at school. It has me more scared than ever. Her knowledge of personal hygiene is atrocious....I just cant wait for the messy time of the month to start..NOT. It downright scary for me. My girl is growing up, ....scary to think she will have the body of an adult soon, but the mind of a toddler. She has also been refusing to let anyone wipe her bottom which of course rules out school holiday program again. MUM HELP!! Yet again I will have to run to my dear old mum for help so that I can go to work. Not good. Hopefully I will be able to get some extra help from the carer respite centre so that she isnt working too hard.
Oh and we have booked a few days away in Broome for Melbourne Cup weekend. I just hope we can find someone to look after the kids for the 5 days. We both really need the break. 17 years and only 24 hour breaks away in that time. I need a holiday!

I love pre-dawn

I got up early..very early 4am, don't know why, probably because I crashed at 7.30pm. Ive had a nasty kidney infection and have been pumped full of antibiotics. It's going, but I still feel tired.
Anyway.....on with it.
I love that time just before sunrise......the house is dead quiet and its the only time I really feel that I'm on my own. With 4 kids in tow, I often feel as if I get no solitary time, so I take every opportunity that I can get. Its my time to think.....to plan and to work out what is really happening in my life.
My new job is excellent...Love it. I love that its so cut and dried, that my job is very defined and that there are pretty tight procedures involved...very organised. Its just what I need to keep me sane. I realise that I am very ADHD...in the past, my disorganisation in my mind showed up in so many ways...from the messy house, to the taking on too much trying to please everyone, to the moving on from ideas before they came to fruition because I got bored with them, the unfinished projects and the total chaos. Its the stuff in my life that Im trying like hell to change. I have been reading a lot of books to fathom the best ways that I work and its in very short bursts....15 minutes at a time and with lists so that I don't get sidetracked as easily. My plan for the week is to get rid of unfinished business..I need to send the supermarket files to the accountant.....get them out of my life once and for all. I need to start planning fun ways to relax.......get more creative and maybe even get on the sewing machine a bit. I need to exercise....thats one thing that I have been incredibly slack on so I am working out a deal with a friend who owns a gym to work for her in the office for exchange of training. I need the discipline and the accountability. Most of all, I need to fall into a strong routine. I am getting there....much better than the past, but I still need to stick to it especially writing a lot in my diary, and prioritising much more efficiently.
I realise too, that sometimes I put others way before myself. A friend who has marital difficulties, keeps coming around....I don't have the heart to say piss off, I need my time to work, I just let her come around to cry on the shoulder....last week it was a whole day wasted, the week before was two days. She is coming around this morning, but at least I have an appointment at 11am, so I can give her a coffee at 9 and then make my excuses. I really dont have the energy to deal with other people's problems....after all, I have enough of my own to deal with. How do you say to someone, hey, I know you have problems, but I really need to focus on my own life? To me it sounds very self centred, and Im not like that, but really I dont have the time to devote, nor do I need the negativity.
Stef is doing so well......writing her name much more now. OMG, I never dreamt that we would actually get her to do it.....I know its something we have been trying for so long, but she actually really gets it now. Its like opening a door to the huge possibilities.....all along I have said, she can do things, she just doesnt, and now the schools are actually starting to believe me. The special school especially....they have been just babysitters for too long and really didnt see what this girl is capable of (I think they thought I was lying about what she really does at Lara Ps, and at home). I also must spend more time on getting her to use her speech facilitation program.....Its vital to get her to understand that she has control over some of the choices in her life. Hmm, must find her DS in her messy room today!
Brent is doing great....he is very beligerent at times, but thats expected from the caveman years lol......teenagers have their own way of communicating at times......UGH. But proudly, he is incredibly articulate, puts an argument together really well and is doing so well in most subjects at school. I just need to make sure he hands his work in.
Jack is doing ok, much better now that he has longer lasting ritalin. He goes off on his first camp next Monday and will be great. I wasnt aware of this, but apparently the school has been refusing to take special needs kids on camp...they wouldnt dare with my kids. It was my decision not to send Stef on camp no one elses and she did still go, not overnight. (I wasnt sure of security arrangements to stop her wandering off). Jack will have so much fun and will be fine being away from home so I dont see that the school has much choice.
Melinda is doing ok, she is still disorganised big time (takes after me for that), so I will tidy her room up yet again.....find places for everything. She really doesnt do enough homework at home though.
Anyway, on with the day......so much to do.....ALWAYS!

New Job, unfinished business

Today I am going to make a concerted effort to tidy my mind, my home and my life. Events of the last 24 hours has made me feel that unfinished business really affects me and that its time to close some chapters and open some new ones. Today I am feeling incredibly grateful for having had post-natal depression. I know that sounds strange, but it made me confront the monsters from the past by getting treatment. It allowed me to move forward without forever looking behind me for the monsters biting at my ass. I look at my troubled brother who hasnt contacted the family for 6 weeks...and worry that the monsters from his past have finally got him....I pray that he is ok. I think today the family were going to the police to list him as a missing person. He is so far away. I wish I could get to Perth to try to track him down.

On the diet front, I havent been doing so great lately so I have bitten the bullet and trying to arrange a way to get fitness training. It was great on the weekend...so many people commented on how much better and younger I look. I guess losing as much as I have already really has changed my appearance in a big way. I still have 12-15 kg to lose.

Oh and Stef wrote her name for the second time last week...it was really recognisable. My heart did a major dance when I saw it and the tears were stinging my eyes. I am so proud of how far she has come in the last 6 months. Just Awesome! It is something that other parents take for granted, the ability for their child to learn to read and write, but for us, every little thing like this has been major and has taken years of work to achieve.

Steve goes to Thailand this morning until Saturday. No drama...we are used to it. Just hope that Brent doesnt get too big for his boots and doesnt constantly question my authority in the house like he sometimes does when Steve is away.

I am recovering from our wild weekend....hehe...2 nights with so very little sleep. I went to bed (or was that just a chair with the blanket wrapped around me) at 8.30am on Sunday for and hour and a half. It was a great party!

New job..new outlook!

Well, I landed the job which is just awesome. I think I will really like working there. The winery is about 10-15 minutes from home, a leasurely country drive. The winery itself is absolutely serene. I pulled up there and immediatey felt a serenity come over me..peaceful. The view out of my office window is looking up the valley with gum trees and vines...the office itself is very new, very modern and well appointed. A place for everything. The other office workers are all younger than me. Great, I fit into a younger crowd! I am so looking forward to starting work on Wednesday! I really must send thankyou cards to my 3 referees....apparently they gave me glowing references to the point of adoration...I guess its picking the referees that just respect all you do so much.
I feel so much better today than I have felt since about April....the prospect of finding a job that fit my family was daunting....but its the past now. I find to that I am so much better if I have my shower early, straighten my hair and put make up on. Its like a preparation for the day. Yesterday I didnt do that. The kids were late to school and I looked like a train wreck...the teacher asked me if everything was ok...thats how bad I looked. I guess they are so used to seeing me dressed to the nines and fully made up and confident. It makes such a huge difference..the simple act of putting on makeup.
I have a hugely busy day today, mainly because I have procrastinated so much over things. I have to prepare the treasurers report for the Rainbow club, buy presents for the outgoing committee members , do the banking etc etc....the list goes on. My treat to myself after I have finished that is to start on my wall mural. I am going to paint a dawn autumn forest scene on my wall...something dreamy where you feel as if you could lose yourself if you take a few steps in. I hope I can do it justice..I used to be good at drawing trees when I was at school and saw a painting that I adored last week in South Yarra....$20000 was the price tag on it...if I had that sort of money I would have bought it on the spot.
Stef was star of the week at Barwon Valley School this week...for good handwriting. I couldn't believe it, but Stef wrote her name for the first time last week! Steve and I both had tears in our eyes when we saw it...lets just say, the paper has been laminated and will be framed. It was just awesome!
Brent chose his subjects for year 12 yesterday. The teacher thinks he will go great..he is doing humanities...thats his strength. English, Maths, History, Media, International Studies and Legal studies. With a bit of luck and a whole lot of work, he will get As and Bs.....AMAZING for a kid the teachers thought was mentally retarded in grade 4. The legal teacher says he constructs his arguments so well and his oration of cases is way above his peers. In history, they said he has a mind like a sponge, and looks at history with a degree of scepticism of writing biases. He really amazes me. I look at all the hard work we put into that kid and it brings tears to my eyes just how much we have achieved. He is still challenging occasionally behaviourally and will always have some foibles...but nothing that will hold him back from his hopes and dreams.
Got Jack a new script for Ritalin...thank goodness...he really needs it! I couldnt believe that we have to see the paediatritian twice a year just to get the script....what a rip off. We go in there for 5 minutes..ca ching goes the doctors eyes.. $240 thank you very much. Ridiculous!
Had a phonecall from our local politician yesterday...at least he is recognising the difficulties we face at a day to day level now. I think pointing out just what it takes to keep this house running with 4 kids has been adventageous. Putting it in real terms...like how much washing and cleaning and running around I do. He has 4 kids himself, so he knows what it takes with normal kids...and I pointed out how much extra the special needs here takes. At least he has passed on the information to the appropriate pollies and has told me to expect a call from them within the next couple of days.
Anyway, on with the day..time to get the kids ready for school!

Acceptance of myself!

I'm currently reading a book on ADHD.....initially for the purpose of helping Jack, but along the way I have realised just how ADHD I really am. It explains so much about me. Initially I questioned the diagnosis....how can I possibly be ADHD having achieved so much, and yet.....always having unfulfilled potential nags at the back of my mind. OMG>...this book has got into my very soul...I see myself, my lack of motivation at times and the extreme motivation at other times, my inability to organise myself, the unfinished projects and the neverending search for adrenaline all stems back to a simple thing called ADHD. It has been like baring my soul to the world....and has come like a total shock to my system.
This last couple of months has been incredibly difficult....I have been so overwhelmed, so unmotivated and totally adrenaline seeking. After reading this book, I realise it all stems back to a lack of dopamine in my system. I have had no deadlines or relatively few. Dopamine essentially controls the executive function sector of the brain...its what motivates "normal" people to do things in logical order..to seek organisation and to follow through to completion. The way stimulants such as ritalin work is to stimulate the production of dopamine in the system, adrenaline also stimulates dopamine production. Thats why when Im under deadlines, I usually pull my finger out....all of a sudden my dopamine levels are at normal levels. Its also why I have always been an adrenaline seeking missile.
This book has totally opened my eyes into my soul....into my motivations and how I function. It has been so scary, but cathartic.....at least I know why its all been so hard at times...
Anyway, onward with the tools that I need to use to get me through....turns out the Flylady philosophy is just perfect...never beating yourself up, keeping tasks short sweet but regular, rewarding myself for the small steps it takes..not getting overwhelmed with the big picture, but cutting it into smaller chunks.

Yesterday I had a job interview. Will find out today if I get the job. Its small, 12 hours a week doing payroll and hr functions for a popular winery. Hehe...staff discounts apply! I hope I get it as it fits right into the family stuff.

Don't ya just love this weather...not

Its drizzling and grey and foggy...bit like my mood. I think I need a good dose of sunshine. Will put some music on and dance once I get the kids to school. Always puts me in a better mood.
Got a fair bit to do today. Stef poured half a jar of coffee on the floor and a bucket of water....maybe not a bucket, but certainly feels like it and poured most of the milk down the sink. Sometimes it costs a fortune to replace the stuff she wastes..Today alone its coffee, milk....adding up to about $15 ......other days its whole bottles of shampoo, washing liquid or whatever else she can get her hands on. Unless I lock it in the pantry, its fair game. How many other people have to deadlock the pantry and bike lock the fridge if they ever leave the room.
Got a lot of bookwork to do today......must be far more disciplined to get it all done this week. Sometimes working from home is difficult....especially for one as slack and lazy as I can be. I will set my timer today, do my morning routine and then hit the tasks in my diary...all with a smile on my face. It will get done....TODAY.
Brent has taken 6 yells and the threat of a bucket of water to get up this morning....at least he is up before 8.30 today...small mercies. Will talk to him tonight about handing in work and making sure he gets enough sleep.
So far I have thrown about 2 garbage bags of crap out of my room. Its getting there. I want a new doona cover.....and a new bed. On the wish list it goes. Time to make our bedroom the beautiful sanctury that it really should be. Our relationship deserves a lovely place to spend its most important times.
Jack is being a total stress head today.....I must make sure he gets a dose of ritalin before school otherwise I will get a call.
Stef is happy, but very mischievous....
Anyway...on with the day now the shower is free....hope there is some hot water left for me.

Damn Steve going away this week!

Will be like a cat on hot bricks all week....I hate Stevo having to go away but especially right now....I know.....I am driven by pure Lust lol. Perving on the parade of tradies through the house this week.....OMG! Learnt a valuable lesson last night...always wear gloves when chopping chilli...hahah...either that or dont get the horn afterwards. It took a half an hour in the shower for the tingling and burning sensation to go away!!
Anyway, on with the day...lots to do.
Its going to be a good day. I have heaps to do, and so disorganised at the moment. I really need to get back to my routines so that the house runs a bit more smoothly. My aim while Stevo is away is to get our bedroom totally cleaned out. There is a lot of stuff there that just doesnt belong in what should be our sanctuary. Things like printers that we dont need. I really want to get a buffet to put our stereo and cds in. Stef gets into the cds and fiddles with the Stereo so we cant have it in the lounge...so we really need a cupboard to lock them away. I may go to Curleys and the opshops to see what is around.
Poor Stef is all gummed up at the moment. The laxatives arent working very well..will have to up the dosage again today. She has had heaps everyday this week, but still no major action happening. The stomach is bulging.
Oh and I got my lovely new stove fitted last night. Its awesome! It has 5 burners..the middle one being a superfast wok burner which works great! HEHe...the trady looked pretty good too.
Time to get the uncooperative teenager to school.....It takes about 10 yells and a bucket of cold water to get him out of bed.....

So much to do today

I have a lot in my diary today...but its going to be a good day, I can feel it in my bones. Its a full moon and I always work my hardest at this time...not sure why but I seem to be very responsive to the lunar shift (I know, it sounds a bit nutty..) it may also have something to do with the time of the month...
On the plan for today is......to put in 3 new job applications, catch up on the Rainbow club bookwork, heaps of washing (weather is good for drying), banking for Rainbow club, tax stuff for the supermarket, and entering stuff for the accounting firm. Then of course there is housework and the plumber is coming to install my new stove top. Then there is installing some programs on Stefs computer for her to get used to the idea that that computer is hers to use. Oh and I have to write some thankyou cards, some rsvps and a sympathy card. I must get together a correspondence card folder organised to make it easy for me to write stuff. I am so hopeless at that sort of thing and then feel guilty that I havent done it.
Brent had a day in bed yesterday.....little basketball player just wouldnt get out of bed to go to school. At 10.30am I gave up trying and let him sleep. Sometimes I reckon its not such a bad thing to give them a rest day, but he cant have too many days off being in year 11.
Stef had a happy day yesterday..came home from school very cheeky and full of laughs. She had creative dance after school and apparently really enjoyed it. A friend picked her up from school and it was good to know Stef was reluctant to go with her and took some convincing. She eventually went with her though. Its good that I dont have to make the hour round trip to pick her up though.
Apart from that, all work today.......will put on some music and get on with it!

Monday,...a new week full of hope!

Well, its Monday morning.....a new week full of hope! I feel as if I have turned a corner this weekend. I feel happy again and relaxed and looking at planning my week out this morning.
This week will be quite busy.....there is so much I really want to do. I want to get our lives back to a place of organisation. Steve will be away a couple of nights as well. I have a few jobs to apply for....all part time hours. I realise that I dont want to work more than 20 hours a week. Its managable......I can still do all I want to for the family and work if I keep my hours strictly down to 20. Anything more and the family pay the price and so do I. I really need to get back to the creative side as well......the person who sews and cooks and makes jewellery.
On Saturday I went to a farmers market....it was great. I bought lots of apples and vege. The apples are brilliant...crunchy sweet and juicy and so much different from the ones you buy at the supermarket.
Onward...Time to start getting the kids up!

Peace at last!

This last month has been so tough mentally for me. I'm not really sure why....I know I am my own worst enemy at times. I beat myself up unmercifully and I know most of the time its pretty unwarranted.
Things are starting to go right again though. I have finished the supermarket shit and have handed the files over. What a relief! HAHA, tax man will catch up to him though. He is being audited for his super payments.
I have a bit of catching up to do for the accounting firm, but will take about 10 hours this week.
There was a good job for me advertised this week.....a small part timer doing payroll for a winery. I just want a regular job, with little stress and hours according to my kids needs. Not too much to ask the universe for..Hopefully I will get it!
Anyone who truly knows me knows I have an extremely wild impulsive side...I dont let her out of the box very often anymore, but boy when I do.......hhehe....watch out world. Her name is Jay..she is the partyanimal in me. The day after I generallly feel totally at peace as if I am a whole person again.....sometimes my serious side just takes over and I feel part of my soul dying with the drudgery........that has been this month. My wild side came out last night (not saying how) and today I feel this overwhelming peacefulness and positiveness. Its so nice to have a partner in crime who loves the wild child in me and accepts Jay as a valuable jewell that she really is. She is the balancer for all the other stuff I go through. At times the wild child takes over totally (hehe, like at a certain nieces wedding where I swam in the pool at 4am in an evening dress, and drove a golf kart around a certain golf course) or the time I ran down Bourke St naked at 3am (boyfriend of the time was on camera duty at the copshop) or serve sausage rolls at a party in a small country town topless and sometimes I cringe when I realise what I have done......but mostly I look back and say......gee that was so much FUN! Jay is a party starter, she steps out of the box as an exhibitionist and say.....stuff you all! The side of my nature few people know and those who do love her. Talk about dual personalities! She is simply Jay!
Ok, back to the serious side. We had our new oven installed Friday and Steve is busy making biscuits christening it. Honestly, he is so excited about having a new oven! Oh, and we got the powerpoint in Stefs room disabled. Damn child was plugging in power cords and chewing on the wire....one day it was all going to be a disaster (we have a safety switch, but there are no guarantees on how quickly they work). Now we just have to get a plumber to install the new stove!
Brent has asked me to spruice up his appearance.....clean up his skin and give him a good hair cut. I think he is interested in a girl at school somehow...awesome! Tuesday he went to the jail with school as part of his Legal Studies and it was such an eyeopener for him. Good to see that he sees the really shitty sides of incarceration. I think all kids should go through the jail at about year 10, maybe then some of them would think twice about the stupid things they do especially in cars. They had one young man talk to them about how he killed his best mate being stupid in a car and now was in jail. Brent said the visit was really good and he didnt realise how much fencing, razor wire and bars would be inside the jail or that the prisoners couldnt use the internet, but could earn computer privileges by working and behaviour. I think these kids need that eyeopener.
Melinda has got her computer back finally. Damned Macbooks....didnt know they had problems with frying the hard drive but apparently they do big time. Thank goodness the school has a service agreement in place. This time though it was a warranty claim.
Stef has a sore eye today. I think she poked it with scissors right in the outside corner of the eyelid...hmm, new hiding spot for scissors required. We need a huge safe to put everything in at the moment. 2 jars of coffee wasted this week already, not to mention how many biscuits, apples bananas and whatever else she has got her hands on. Someitmes it feels as if we are living in a prison!
Must take Jack to the doctor this week to get a new script for Ritalin......I hate how the scripts run out after 6 months for it. I kindof am avoiding going near the quacks at the moment. I am sure had I seen him last month he would have whacked me on antidepresents..its not what I want...I gain weight with them and feel just like a walking zombie who feels nothing. I much rather prefer the ups and downs. I know I am almost bipolar......my ups are hugely up, I work manically, and have a happy craziness.......my downs though are so far down that its a bit scary..I am getting better at pulling myself out of a downward spiral though...I can at least feel them happening now and pull them up beofe it gets to the black hole that is depression. At least now I make sure I can always see the light....somewhat dimly at times, but its always at least there and I work to get back towards the light. Im back to the light now....hehe...sometimes its just a matter of letting Jay out of her box to give me the less serious side of life, pity I cant let her out all the time. The world just couldnt put up with it!

Woohoo, Its the weekend!

Ahh, its the weekend at last. Brings the usual for a Saturday...Jenny craig first thing this morning.....gott check how much weight I have gained. I really have been very naughty lately. Chocolate is my downfall. I am an emotional eater. When things arent going to plan.....I eat like a pig and all the wrong things. I really have to get it all back on track NOW!
Tonight we are going to a school friend's place for dinner. It will be fun to catch up. Its funny that although we werent particularly friends as kids, as adults we have so much in common. Oh and last night I was chatting online to a friend I lost touch with for 20 years......talk about a blast from the past. This whole week has been like it. It must have been a week of catching up to friends.
I felt a bit like a psych yesterday with a wet shoulder. Had a friend sitting at my kitchen table for 4 hours...poor girl had her husband walk out on her yet again. I didnt really know what to say...he has issues, but really they didnt spend any time making their relationship fun either. I am so glad we use our respite care on fun stuff together. For me, her issues really have pointed it out to me the importance of going out and having fun with my beautiful husband to keep us on track.
Rainbow Club this afternoon. Stef is looking forward to her swimming lesson. Last Saturday she gave me her bathers at 1pm....as if to say...hey its swimming time mum. She was so angry with me when I said no swimming this week.
I must get on to cleaning my house this morning (not that its too bad) as mum is looking after the kids tonight. I just need to get the washing on the line early and clean up the lounge which is still a mess of papers but improving.
Oh and my new oven and cooktop were delivered yesterday! Just have to get them fitted now. I can't wait to have a proper not wrecked oven. Oh and we bought a pyrolytic one......it cleans itself. Every bad asthma attack I have had has been because of oven cleaners or shower cleaners. This oven I just push a button and it will heat to 500degrees and burn everything off...then you just give it a quick wipe and voilla. NO MORE TOXIC CHEMICALS! Ok, time to get moving....time to do the morning routine to clean up.

Gotta stop being so hard on myself!

I was a long way down yesterday...nothing seemed to be going right. We all have those days, just maybe sometimes I need to be a little less hard on myself, step back and have a long hard look at the big picture.
When you do that, sometimes you realise just what you are trying to do, and when I balance it up, I probably do far more than most people. I do 5 or 6 loads of washing a day...My kitchen is clean, the floors are swept and the bathrooms are cleaned, all before 9am. There are no piles of washing clean or dirty around....just a pile of ironing to be done. I am working probably around 30 hours a week from home at the moment, catching up, but that will be under control by Monday. I am on two committees......school council, finance committee for the school and treasurer of rainbow club. I am an actively supportive friend, especially to other mum's who have special needs kids. I am quick with a cuddle and an ear and always make time for that. I am always looking for new ways to help
Stef on her journey and I talk often to each of the school teachers to find ways I can support them.
I realise though, that one thing I don't do is spend time on ME! I have been neglecting my diet, get no exercise and dont seem to find time for any creative stuff...I really need to get it in balance. Hopefully I will find more time after the end of Tuesday. Monday I hand over all of the supermarket stuff....nearly finished and I can hardly wait. Tuesday I go to the client from the accounting firm. His work is less than 2 hours from being up to date...and then......I'm FREE!!
"I am only one
But still I am one,
I cannot do everything,
But I can still do Something"
Edward Everett Hale

One of "those" fricking days

I'm going back to bed!
Woke up at about 3am...night sweats. Must go to the doctor as I think maybe I am premenapausal. I am waking up consistently bathed in sweat and then just can't get back to sleep again. GRRR.
Anyway.....today for the first time in 25 years I ran out of petrol. I didnt have my wallet or my phone on me either. So, I ended up walking home and then getting a cab to the petrol station and then back to my car. I was on my way to the shop to get some stuff for Stef as I had forgotten that she was at Serendip Sanctuary today instead of school and so couldnt have canteen lunch.
I was supposed to go to an appointment this morning. So I rang him to say I was going to be late, and he said in a rather pissed off voice that he couldnt see me today anyway as he didnt have the statements required with him because I hadnt confirmed our appointment by email like I was supposed to have. Oh and I found an extra pile of his stuff to do when I cleaned out my desk this morning.
So......I am going back to bed, and when I get up again, I am starting the day anew with a whole new positive attitude.
I just need to get my life organised!!

Getting Back in Control!

Life is finally starting to get back under control! Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am essentially very lazy, very disorganised and a total scatterbrain at times. It wasnt a huge shock then, to finally get a diagnosis of ADHD for me. It just means I have to use tools to get my life into a form of order which is acceptable to everyone else.
A few years ago, I went to a website called Flylady.....honestly it changed our lives completely. Our house went from a total tip to pretty respectable over the course of a couple of weeks. Well, I revisited the site last week....and OMG, it has changed our lives again. Its probably what "normal" non Side-tracked Home Executives do...I just need someone to organise me because I dont do it well on my own. Anyway, the result is the same. The house is looking reasonable at least company ready (no more apologies at the door for a messy house, no more not inviting someone in because of embarrassment), the kids are less stressed in the mornings because I am more organised...and who else has 3 loads of washing on the line by 9am, the kitchen spotless, the bathrooms cleaned and the floors swept?? LOL, and the schools are even getting notes back on time and communications books written in. Gradually gradually, things are starting to come together.
Now its just a matter of finding a job thats suitable..I want to be home for the kids after school. It was costing us $200 a week for after school care...so I was working a full day per week just to cover that cost. Hmmm...where to find the elusive dream job or to start a business of my own where I can work the hours that are suitable for us.
Stef had another good day at school yesterday. She is working very well at the moment and concentrating well. Good to hear. I am going to go to the school sometime next week to show them her DS program and to try to get them to use it too. She still won't wear a helmet for her bike riding lesson at school....no helmet no bike so she misses out. I think I will write a new social story for that and of course the public toilet issue. Will talk to the Occupational Therapist at the school....make a draft of it and then take it in with me when I go in.
Brent was a lot calmer yesterday.....certainly having rosters for computer times works for him. RULES RULE!
OK on with the work....need to do the accounting firm stuff ready for tomorrow's appointment! Music is blaring and I am in the mood for work!

A week of self imposed deadlines!

This week I am finishing the supermarket stuff once and for all. If I took a picture of my loungeroom right now, you would see neat piles of papers all over it. Its driving me insane....but today I will have it all filed neatly away in the boxes ready to piff out of my fricking house! I have about 8-10 hours to do..and then meet with them on Monday to hand it over.
Thursday I have work to do with my accounting firm client...and that will be almost the end of stuff for this financial year just gone. I will be so glad to get rid of this stuff that is hanging around my neck.
I am starting to get back into better routines...the mountain of washing has gone finally......6 load yesterday and 5 today! Thankgoodness its windy so it will all dry now that it is all hung out. The rest of the house is pretty neat and clean for once....except for the kids bedrooms and the paper covered lounge (thats where my office is).
Brent was in a really defiant shitty mood yesterday. He thinks he as a birthright being the oldest child gets everything he wants like the good computer all the time......sorry pal, it doesnt work that way. It gets a little scary when he pushes me around as he is 4 inches taller and about 30 kg heavier now. Lets just say I have a sore arm and and a bruise on my shin. Grr... Bloody kid. Sometimes there is just no reasoning with him. Doesnt help that I am a bit iratable at the moment too. Just not sleeping very well..maybe 4-5 hours a night at most.
Stef had a good day at school yesterday....very happy all day. She really needs that routine. She did a bit of stuff using her Nintendo program yesterday. I just need to adapt the file a bit more to put in the Australian idiosyncracies. IE..Vegemite...Lollies instead of candy...Chips instead of Crisps...Just little things. I also need to put in some school work choices so that they can use it at there as well.
Anyway....on with the work.....no rest for the wicked!!

School Holidays are over......Thank heavens!

Today I feel so much better. Have had a couple of weeks feeling really a long way down. I'm not particularly sure why......just an accumulation of a few things. Not having a job affects me in ways that I really didnt expect it to. I have to be very careful though, I am a workaholic and like the feeling of being pushed to the limit. I just can't do that. The kids miss out on too much and so does our relationship.
I feel today that I have more routine. Getting up way to early I even saw the start of the soccer, getting the housework stuff done.....and 6 loads of washing (always that stuff here) all before 9am. I even did some bookwork. Just about to hit the books pretty hard. I HAVE to finish the supermarket stuff by Wednesday....then I can concentrate on either applying for new jobs or at least starting up a new business for myself. Its time to get my ass into gear and get my mojo back.
I have been so naughty on the diet front too...putting on 3kg in 2 weeks. I am making a concerted effort for the next month to stick like glue to losing weight and exercising. I do not want to be fat again!~
The kids are all ok. Melinda is disorganised like usual. I reminded her so many times to do her school holiday homework....did she do it.....NO! I have threatened that I will make her use her computer only for school work if she does not pull up her socks. Brent at least did one of the subjects....but not all. I hope he gets the work done by the end of the week. Stef was happy to be heading back to school..She certainly gets back to routine pretty quickly and is so much happier when she is in routine. Jack had a tantrum about taking ritalin tablets instead of capsules....Honestly....its like making him swallow a brick and they are so tiny. I must go to the chemist today to get the capsules.
Apart from that...busy doing bookwork today......I must finish it!

Hanging in there......

Today I put 7 garbage bags of clothes out for collection by a charity.......at least 5 of them are Steve and my Fat Clothes......woohoo. I am so proud of how much weight we have both lost.....now to keep the momentum up to get down to goal weight!!
Got all the kids at home today. No school holiday program today as they wimped out on taking Stef on an excursion. Not that she is ever any trouble when she is out. Far from it, but they don't know that.
I have got her program ready to use for her nintendo.....its brilliant. I just need to add a few more pictures to it to make it so she can chose what she wants on her toast for breakfast and some lunch and dinner choices. After all, to not be able to say what you really want to eat would be so frustrating.
I am suffering from lack of sleep today. I dream so much when I give up smoking and its very scary dreams. I find I have to reset my visuals in order to get back to sleep. I think last night I put on a video at 1am and finally got back to sleep at 2.30am on the couch.
Got lots of work to do today.....I have to finish this supermarket shit once and for all....then I can move on.